Breakdown? Or Breakthrough?

Yummy looking Steak

I was wondering how long it would take, or if it would happen at all.  I began the most recent paleo challenge, run by Crossfit Oahu on April 1.  I didn't have any difficulty during the challenge.  I found myself not wanting grains or alcohol, which are usually the cravings that I have.  In fact, it's usually something crunchy that I miss.  Anyway, the whole 45 day challenge was no problem.  Keysa and I decided to keep it up, and start a newer challenge with three "cheats" allowed during a week.  I didn't have any for the first two weeks.  Then I did carefully select some yogurt and honey.  I totally enjoyed it.  That was fine.  I did start craving some things I haven't had in a while.  I made it through May I think, and then my thinking started to change and I could tell.  I had pizza on June 12, which is fine, except that I didn't enjoy the three slices I shoved down my throat.  I ate better the next couple of days, then that Friday I had alcohol and some of the brownies that are STILL in my fridge that I made for Nathan's co-workers a few weeks ago.  Again, not a problem normally, except that I didn't play on it.  I just mindlessly ate it and felt slightly guilty about it.  I could feel myself going more and more off track.  Finally, this past Tuesday, some of my co-workers had ordered some lunch plates and I had not prepared myself a good lunch.  I had stopped to get a salad, and put raisins on it.  I had bought an avocado to add to it, but it turned out not to be ripe enough.  I had some of their breaded, deep fried shrimp and some of the sushi.  On my way home, all I could think about was fried won tons.  I realized then that I had to do something about this.  So.  I deliberately went to get some of the food I had been craving.  I got some garlic rolls and man doo pi from Foodland, I grabbed a bottle of wine, and went home.  I told my husband that I was going to eat whatever I could think of that I had been avoiding so if he wanted to go out and get pizza or something, tonight was the night.  So we both ordered P'zolos from Pizza Hut and got their super, duper hot wings.  We got the breaded, boneless wings.  I drank my wine, and ate tons of food.  But this time I did it mindfully.  I enjoyed every bite.

Pizza Hut P'Zolo

Yesterday I gave away the rest of the rolls, because Nathan won't eat them and I didn't enjoy them as much as I thought I would.  I hung on to the mon doo, and ended up eating the rest of it yesterday and today.  So now my leftovers should be all gone.  Yesterday I started my day with a huge omelette.  I prepared an awesome salad for lunch.  I made a tasty paleo dinner, but added some of the won tons.  This morning I finished the won tons, but again, I made a huge omelette, and made a delicious looking lunch of chicken sausage and leftover steak and veggies from last night.  My plan is to feed myself lots of primal food, even if it seems like too much.  I will start planning ahead again.  I can already tell my thinking patterns are starting to shift again.  I feel more motivated today, and I had this awesome daydream about the retreat house I will own someday in the woods near a lake.  The last couple of days I was just tired, and didn't feel like doing anything.  Today my imagination is back.
Breakdown? Or Breakthrough?  My verdict is that it is a breakthrough.  This time around I have been keeping a simple record of what I've been eating and I was able to look back to see the patterns.  My co-workers might really appreciate the data collection.  Anyway, looking back I can see where my thinking started to change.  Partially, it had to do with Keysa being gone, apparently I do better with some accountability.  Keysa and I were talking about food a lot, and with her being gone, I wasn't as focused on nutrition.  It may just be that it wasn't a priority for me.  I noticed at the same time that some of my lazier habits tend to come back all at once.  I wasn't having as much fun preparing for and making dinner, I wasn't waking up as chipper as normal, and on days when I didn't have work, I was starting to sleep in pretty late and not shower all day.  No big deal, except that it is usually the sign of the beginning of a depressive episode for me.  We all have our signs if we pay attention.  So.  I am actually just realizing this as I type.  And I realize that I need to pull my shit together right now, cause I'd prefer not to get all moody and non-motivated.  Do we all get like this sometimes?  I don't know.  I just know what happens to me.  I can envision myself holing up in the house, not crafting, not reading, just laying around.  Awesome, right?  Not that I was falling into a depression, but that I'm able to catch it this time!
I encourage anyone who is trying to make a major life change, such as totally changing your eating habits to share it with the right friends to create some accountability.  For me, just knowing that some of my friends will read this, is what is going to get me back on track.  Even if not one of you makes it all the way through the end of this long ass blog post, there is the slight possibility that you have, and that you might wonder whether I am going to follow through on my commitment to changed behavior.  So, thankyou kind reader for keeping me healthy and sane.

Another Paleo Challenge

Anna and I officially started our Whole 30 challenge yesterday.  The plan was to start on Friday, I was all set, and then got to my training at a Waikiki Beach Hotel in Waikiki.  All was going well, I ate my eggs and went to lunch with some coworkers.  Unfortunately, even though I ordered my burger with no bun, there was no getting away from all of the fried stuff.  I just texted Anna that we would start the next day instead.  To me it's a relief to be back on a "challenge."  I have poor impulse control, so when the brownies are sitting on the counter, I eat one.  Sometimes two.  And sometimes I have a difficult time stopping myself from eating way more than is socially acceptable.  With paleo I always start off wanting to snack a bunch, but I actually remember the healthy snacks that I have available.

View of Waimanalo from the Pillboxes

Yesterday started off fine, Anna made some bacon and eggs.  I went off to hike the Pillboxes with Keysa and Ananda and while I was gone she left for work.  She only took two bananas and two eggs, so I went to the store and got her some roast, some salad, cashews and coconut water.  It was nice to bring her her lunch at work.  We talked for a little bit at the bar, had some cashews,  and I headed home for my own lunch.  I'll definitely stop by there again one of these days when she's working there.  Bars are so different when they are empty during the day.  I had ahi tuna for lunch when I got home.
Dinner was steak, okinawan sweet potato and asparagus.  I am a damn good cook sometimes.  It was really tasty.  It was also a big dinner, so I didn't feel like I needed to snack on anything during the usual "dessert" time of the night.  We watched TV and made plans to run the beach and watch the sunrise.  Well, she's been working hard and hopefully she's finally having a good night's sleep.  It's 7am and she's not up yet.  Surprisingly, the sound of the dogs and I moving around out here didn't wake her up.  Hopefully she's still passed out pretty good.  There will be other mornings for sunrise beach walks.
I love this kind of morning.  I've got Gizmo on my lap, and Titus is on the couch all cozy, but keeping his eye on me.  I can hear the birds chirping outside, the usual air conditioner noise from the bedrooms and our neighbors, and the fishtank gurgling away.  Not too shabby.  I'm gonna make some coffee, then I haven't decided yet whether I will turn on the TV, read, or write in my journal.  I think I will just relax and take this day as it unfolds.

Busy or Tired

Recently I've been pretty busy and in my down time I've been extremely tired.  Like right now.  Droopy eyelids.  On Tuesday I really didn't want to go to TKD class.  I was just so exhausted.  I went anyway, and it wasn't the pick me up that exercise usually is when I'm tired.  This feels different.  Tonight I have TKD again and I just don't feel like going again.  I only have 3 more classes left, so I should go.  I would rather take a nap.

Anna's in Hawaii!

Pre-Thanksgiving on Hammock

This past Monday Anna and I were driven to the airport in a fancy schmancy car at 5am.  Her plane left at 7:30am and I slept in the airport until my plane left at 11:30am.  It wasn't so bad.  I also got a tuna melt and a coffee in the airport.  Yummy.  The flight wasn't horrible, I watched a few movies and napped a little.  When I landed I had to stay awake to go pick Anna up at 10:30pm Hawaii time.  I was so exhausted.  I got a little sick and just felt like sleeping for the next couple of days.

Jak and Ananda with Cake

We cruised around to Ben Franklin, hiked the Pillboxes, grocery shopped and prepared for Thanksgiving.

Anna's new Bike, Carmen

Thanksgiving was nice and relaxed.  I made some stuffing and spaghetti squash.  We went to Joanna and Jeff's and surprised Jak with a cake for her birthday.  We talked story with the ladies, then we headed over to Bobby and Corey's place for some more turkey.  Corey prepared a huge spread of food including a stuffed turkey and a huge ham, mashed potatoes, gravy and cranberry sauce.  Good thing we went since we were the only ones who showed up to eat all that food.  Anna and I stuffed ourselves, then Anna passed out on the couch.  We got mad leftovers to take home.
I tried to go into work on Friday, but the office was closed and I headed home to do a bit of paperwork.  When I did all I thought I needed to, Anna and I went out and she bought herself a bike.  It's really great, it's purple and she got a basket put on the front and fenders were ordered to be put on on Monday.  We grabbed some applications from a few bars on the way home.

Hamama Falls

Saturday morning we hiked Hamama Falls with Theresa, Joanna, Jak, Keysa and Ananda, and the doggies.  It was the perfect length of hike.  Tiring, but we still had energy for more activities later.  Anna and I headed to the beach in the afternoon.  It was super windy, so we hunkered down and watched the kite surfers.  Then we rode into town so Anna could grab a surf board she found on Craigs List.

Ze Beach is Zat Way!

Sunday we hiked the Koko Head stairs and then headed to the Verizon store to see if we could get Anna on her own phone plan.  She decided against it for the moment since it's pretty expensive with all the texting she does.  We got some yogurt from Yogurtland (delicious!!!) and headed back home.  We were going to head to the beach again since all the ladies and Jeff were headed that way, but we got caught in traffic.  When we got closer we realized it was due to some brush fires that were ignited all along the road side.  We had a whole bunch of ash blow straight at us in a quick windstorm.  Awesome!

Looking for Recyclables

Instead of the beach Anna decided to ride around town on her bike and check out the local stores.  I stayed home and did very little.  I think I had some wine and thought about taking a nap.  Then Joanna texted that they were at a coffee house in town and I met them over there.  It's one of my new favorite stores I've decided.  It had a whole bunch of locally handmade goods for sale and was comfortable, warm and the tea latte I had was delicious.

Waah!

I finally went back to work yesterday for a full day.  It was good, but I was a little bored.  Not that I didn't have plenty to do, I just didn't want to do it.  I had the same problem today.  I did a lot of work, but my heart wasn't really in it.  It was hard to get back to the same ol', same ol.  We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Smoke from Brushfire

Tonight is Tae Kwon Do, and hopefully it doesn't kick my ass too badly.  I am out of practice and out of shape.  I did go to the grocery store today to pick up healthier food so I am not picking on all of the chips and bread available to me in my refrigerator.  I have plenty of other options now.  No excuses!
It's going to be time to start my pre-New Year's Resolution!  I need to figure it out by Thursday.  Hope everyone else is ready with theirs, too.

A Wedding, A Baby and a Bonfire Part IV, The End!

Rope Climbing at Crossfit

Day 8, Crossfit and a Baby!  Woke up early next to my BFF Jen Stack and went to get some eggs at the local diner.  Then we dressed up, grabbed Anna and headed off to Crossfit for another round.  This time we did squats, pullups, and pushups AMRAP until the time ran out.  It felt pretty good.

Eating Deli Sandwich on the Road 

Akiva Teaching me about Coffee

Elisheva

Anna and I headed back to Saugerties and packed our stuff as fast as we could so we could be out of the house before Mom came home.  It's just true.  We threw shit in our bags and ran to the car.  We stopped off at Price Chopper to get some deli meat and bread, made sandwiches on the trunk of the car and headed off to Boston.  It wasn't a long drive, but I started to fall asleep while I was driving and we switched off.  Anna took the controls and we swooped in on our nephews and our new niece!  It was so great to see Akiva and Asher, I usually only get to skype with them and it's just not the same.  We gave them their gifts and set off to the playroom to play.  Angela alternately fed and held Elisheva, since that's all she was capable of at that point.  Little 3 day old babies don't do much but eat, sleep and poop.  The boys were adorably excited about the baby and kept reaching out to stroke her cheek or pat her side.  Akiva and I played catch for a while and then we sat down to dinner.  Just simple spaghetti and meatballs family style.  Then the boys and I did some burpees.  The video should be posted in my list of links on the side.  It's super cute.  We played some more games and went to bed.

Awesome Game

Go Fish

Day 9, play, play, play.  Akiva woke Anna and I up super, duper early and since Anna wanted to sleep in Akiva offered to teach me how to make coffee.  Of course I accepted.  This kid is smart.  He walked me through the whole process.  The only thing he didn't know was how many cups of water to put into the coffee maker.  He's awesome.  We got the boys ready for school after some quick games and sent them off.  Anna and I read, slept and then hung out with Ang and Ben for a while until we could pick the boys up from school to play more games.  Since you probably don't care about the nitty gritty of the games, I'll just say that we played the most awesome games of Hungry, Hungry Hippo and War or something.  The boys are hilarious and adorable.   We took turns holding the baby and talking with Ang and playing games and so on and so forth.  Ate, went to bed. 

Cereal and Checkers

Mad Puzzles

Day 10, made a Moby Wrap.  Akiva woke us up super early again and we played a quick game of Checkers while he ate his breakfast and set off for school.  Asher doesn't go to school on Fridays.  Anna, Asher and I put together mad puzzles, and Anna and I took turns cleaning the playroom.  When Ang got home we headed to the closest fabric store, who lied to us about having regular old cotton fabric.  They were a upholstery store.  So we got some heavy cotton fabric, headed home and I whipped up a Moby Wrap.  We tied it onto Anna to practice and then stuck the baby in with Angela.  I hope she gets some use out of it, but I'll probably make another one with lighter fabric for her.  Anna and I planned on leaving for Saugerties around noon, but instead waited around to pick up Akiva from school.  He was really excited that we were still around.  We played a few more games.  Asher helped Anna and I pack and we played the best game of hide and seek ever.  Asher told us to hide and started counting.  Then he hid too.  Anna and I just busted out laughing because he wouldn't come find us, he just wanted all of us to hide.  We would have been there forever if we hadn't been able to talk him into finding us.  Again, love that kid.

Beginning Bonfire

So we said our goodbyes, and packed into the car for the drive.  On the way Andrew called and said he was heading to Saugerties too, so we made plans to meet at Sue's where the Kovaks always get together on Friday nights.  When Anna and I got home, Mom gave me the finger (now nicknamed pulling a Pauline) and Anna and I took off to Sue's.  We hung out with Andrew and friends and finally headed home around midnight.

Bonfire!!

Day 11, Bonfire.  We woke up early and started rolling logs.  Had to finish up the firepit to prepare for the night's festivities.  It's hard to describe, but I put some other videos up of us log rolling.  It was a hell of a lot of work.  Andrew fixed the bonfire so it would actually light on fire, we stacked wood to throw on as the night went on, we collected hot dog roasting sticks, we hit Price Chopper and bought all kinds of snacks.  Andrew put together a potato casserole to be cooked later in the night as well as some chicken to throw on the fire.  We drank Guiness and got ready.  At around 5:30 the fire was lit.  This was the biggest fire I've ever seen at the Sullivan's.  It was ginormous.  The video hardly does it justice, but the link will be up all the same.  From then on friends continued to roll up, the keg was tapped, hot dogs and marshmallows were roasted.  Mary McGinn, Jen Stack, Mary Jankowski, and Becca Hoppsen showed up and that's all that really matters.  Also present were several of Anna's friends and Andrew's girlfriend Emily, who is very nice.  We partied as long as we could keep our eyes open and headed off to bed smelling like a firepit.  I stripped off the outer most layer of my clothes and curled up in my bonfire gear.  I actually looked at all of my pictures and watched the bonfire lighting video before I went to sleep.

Andrew in the Bear Cave

Andrew at Opus 40

Day 12, Opus 40.  We woke up to prepare bagels and scrambled eggs.  Mom and I headed off to Mass at some church in Saugerties.  When we got home we cleaned up the bonfire area, watched some Hawaii 5-0 and prepared for a trek to Opus 40, this amazing architectural landscape that some guy built by hand over the course of 37 years.  It is a quick walk through the woods from our parents house.  We used to go there all the time when we were kids.  On a hot day the cool air that comes from the quarry rocks feels amazing.  On a day like this Sunday, it was very peaceful, and a little sad.  On the way there Andrew showed Emily the "Bear Cave" that he and his best buddy Ken made when they were in 6th grade.

Andrew at Opus 40

When we got home it was really sad because Mom had made all of these plans for me while I was home and we didn't get to any of them.  True, we could have gotten one or two things done if she hadn't been actively ignoring me most of my vacation, but you can never get all of the things you plan in on these crazy East Coast ventures.  We said our goodbyes, had some coffee and jumped into Vandalf, first to return the keg, then to sleep at Andrew's place since it was closer to the Newark airport than Saugerties.  We hit up the Zombie Hut for the Giants game and then we hunkered down for the night at Andrew's apartment.  We ordered ourselves a car to drive us to the airport at the buttcrack of dawn and passed out for a few hours.

A Wedding, A Baby and a Bonfire, Part II

The Bride

The Shoes

Day 4, Wedding.  We woke up early on Friday to get our nails did with the wedding party.  I got a mani-pedi and the ladies were quite aggressive with my nails.  Two of my nails suffered cuts, but what is the price of beauty?  My nails looked fabulous.
Andrea and I then trekked to the grocery store to pick out snacks while I shivered in the freezing cold 50 degree air.  At Arin and Andrea's place I set up to create peacock feather boutonnières for the men in the family and Anna went out to correct our mismanagement of our hotel situation.  There was some tears and cursing involved but it all worked out in the end.

Arin and Dad

Arin and I set the traps for the squirrels that are taking up residence in her attic, and actually caught one!  So two hours before her wedding Arin and I covered the live trap with a towel, drove it to the park down the road and set it free in front of a wedding party and a very surprised bus driver.  This was a very productive day.
Arin and Andrea took naps, Anna and I left for the hotel to get our dresses on and returned to the house.  We got whisked away by somebody's brother and got to the venue to set up and get pretty.  It was so much fun!  We have almost no pictures from setting up and the wedding.  We drank champagne, put on makeup, did our hair and helped Arin into her dress.  I helped the photographer set up for some pics of the dress and shoes.  Andrea was in a separate room being forced into makeup.  It was pretty exciting.  When the family showed up I brought Maka, Andrea's nephew up to get his boutonniere and he was really stoked about it.  Then I brought Andrew, Alec and Dad up to get theirs.  I'm pretty sure the photographer got some good pictures of that too.

Best Wedding Ceremony Ever

Soon after one of the best wedding ceremonies I've ever witnessed began.  Family and friends all moved to the floor in front of the stage.  The lights all dimmed and on the balcony the spotlight lit up on Andrea.  The Muppets "Somebody's Getting Married" started playing and Arin met Andrea in the spotlight.  The photographer ninja rolled out of a doorway behind for a picture of the couple and then they came down to the dance floor.  Hugs were given on their way to the stage.
Marge, the officiant gave one of the best speeches I've ever heard and it was obvious that she knew the couple very well.  Wedding vows were exchanged and they were also well thought out.  I don't cry much at weddings, but I cried at this one.  It was pretty beautiful.
When all was said and done, marriage happened and then the dancing ensued.  Holy mackerel, there's not too much video of that and it's a crying shame.  There was a lot of fist pumping, foot stomping and pointing involved.  One of my best nights ever.  I laughed so hard I was crying many times that night.  We danced until they kicked us out then tried to have an after party at the Foley's place.  We attempted to bring it to the next level, but that mostly involved going back to the hotel to sleep.
Day 5, The next morning those of us who stayed in the Microtel snuck over to the Embassy where the others were holed up.  We indulged in an all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet and then headed back to the venue to help clean up.  We packed up Vandalf and another unnamed vehicle, and returned everything then went back to Arin's for a full day of relaxation.  Andrew and his girlfriend Emily had to leave, but Alec, Anna, Dad and I decided to stay over one more night, since we were having such a great time and the newlyweds made the mistake of not kicking us out yet.

Indian Orgy on the Sorry Board

That night we made hot chocolate and sat around the firepit in their backyard.  A decision was made to have an epic battle on the Sorry board.  With 8 players on one board it becomes Super Sorry, where "only 7 may enter!!"  We played til the wee hours and Alec won.
Day 6, Baby!  Elisheva Sarah was born at 6am!  We got a text from Angela that she had a baby, although at that time it had yet to be named.  (We just called her Betty.)  There was some more dancing.  We had pancakes and coffee, sat around and tried to catch more squirrels, but in the end we had to face the fact that Andrea was done with us and we had to head back to New York.  Into the car we piled after dragging Anna out of the house with us.  We left behind the very happy couple who would be headed off to New Orleans in just a few days.
Upon our return home it wasn't great, in that, it sucked pretty bad.  We stopped at the supermarked to get ingredients for Kebabs, grilled them up and waited for Mom to get home.  She did and mumbled a bit under her breath and then we escaped to bed.
Overall it was totally worth it.  What a fantastic weekend.  And this was just the first of my expeditions for the vacation! In the next installment of A Wedding, A Baby and a Bonfire, I'll tell you all about my hike to Overlook, some log rolling and then a trip to Boston!

Eating Healthy is the First to Go

So I have been having a really hard time the past few days.  It doesn't matter that I'm going back East to have a fabulously fun time, it's always stressful to get ready for a long vacation.  Especially since Nathan isn't going with me.  I'm not packed yet.  I just bought dresses for the wedding.  I'm finishing my paperwork here at work and there is way more than I'd like to admit to get done here still.  When I get stressed I get hypersensitive.  So when my friends came to help me find dresses at Ross yesterday instead of being able to enjoy the time, although it did end up being quite fruitful, I was snippy and grumpy.  When I get stressed I want everyone to just go away so I can sit by myself and pull myself back together.  But I can't do that right now.  I left myself too much to do, and Nathan's mother is visiting from New York.  I may head off to the library or something before I head home so I can just have a moment or two of alone time.  I don't need much.  But I haven't been by myself in a while.  I need that.  Of course tomorrow evening I'm going to get plenty of alone time.  I'm going to be sitting by myself in the airport for two hours and then flying by myself for 11 more.  After that I'm not sure if I'm going to have any time to relax, I think pretty much from when I land I'm going to be all over the place, trying to fit a bazillion things into two weeks of vacation time.
I hate to admit it, but my eating has been shit.  I have been stuffing bread down my throat and drinking wine at night.  On Saturday we went to the Polynesian Cultural Center, which was pretty great.  The shows were good at each island "station" and then we did a buffet dinner and "Ha, Breath of Life" the show.  So in the morning I ate well, my eggs as usual, but then we got to PCC and the only semi-foodlike thing to eat was chili nachos or a chili hot dog.  So I just ate the chili hot dog and enjoyed it.  I also had some shave ice, which is a tooooon of sugar.  Then, of course, the buffet was painfully bad for me.  I did my best in the beginning to line my plate with the prime rib, the crab legs, the eggplant, the fish and chicken.  There were also lots of sauted vegetables.  The thing is that most of the meat was breaded and fried and the sauces were all full of sugar.  And that just sends me into a tailspin.  This ended with 2 slices of oreo cheesecake among other tasty desserts.  Keep in mind, the food was DELICIOUS.  Then yesterday, breakfast and lunch were good, but dinner was sloppy joes with this delicious bread from this fabulous bread store down the street.  How am I going to argue when someone else is cooking for me?  My motivation and self-control have been non-existent.  At least I went hiking yesterday.
Anyway, those are my complaints.  All in all, not so bad.  I've got a pretty great life.  It just sometimes feels overwhelming, even though eating a great deal of food is not really a problem in many people's books.  I am lucky and grateful that I have my mother-in-law out here buying us food and cooking for us.

The good news is I got two fabulous dresses, I've got a list here next to me of all the things I need to pack so when I go home it shouldn't take too long and my Ipod is full of good music and two audio books.  I don't know what movies are going to be happening on the plane, but hopefully I can sleep through them and be ready to rock and roll when I get to New Jersey Wednesday morning.  I will be in charge of making food for myself in the next few weeks and I am going to be very selective about what I buy.  Lots of bacon, hopefully.

Stress Eating

For some reason what I ate today for lunch made me feel really bloated around 5pm.  My stomach started to hurt, I could feel it pushing against my pants and it didn't feel better when I changed into stretchy pants upon reaching home.  I felt gassy.  Not sure what I ate that did that.  I didn't change my diet very much at all.  Then I got home and Nathan was mad at me for something, cause I was a bit of an idiot.  I lost a little control and had some potatoes with butter and a little of the brussel sprouts that I made for Nathan.  The only thing wrong with the sprouts was the processed butter sauce that it comes packaged with.  I made a delicious pork roast in the oven rubbed with salt and garlic powder.  So I ate two slices of that.  Then I still felt like I needed more and had some 90% cacao.  Oh boy.  Not horrible decisions, it's just that I could tell, I knew it was directly related to how I was feeling, not about being hungry.  In fact I felt the opposite of hungry when I came home.  Oh well.  I definitely feel like I need exercise that is more intense than my Tae Kwon Do.  I'm really sad about that.  I love the sport, but I think the dojang I'm at isn't competitive enough and doesn't workout hard enough.  I leave feeling tired... but only a little.  Just going to enjoy the rest of my wait until my vacay, do a shit-ton of work at work and get the house ready for Nathan's mom.  She's coming on November 3.  Hope you all ate better than I did and had a more intense workout than I did.  G'night!

Trial and Error

Yesterday I had a super long day.  I didn't have much time to stop and eat.  I ate with the kids in the office during their lunch time.  Then I raced over to my other school and had a couple of meetings until 4:30.  They were the kind of energy draining meetings that make me not want to work out.  Luckily Jak was at the last meeting and when I said I didn't feel like going to Tae Kwon Do she suggested walking the Lanikai Loop.  I agreed.  So I got home, had some almonds and raisins, changed and we walked the loop.  It was an okay workout, got the blood flowing, but I was just still exhausted when I got home.  I made dinner and for some reason dreamt about the chips in the fridge.  I kept feeling like I couldn't have any and it made me want them more.  Then I remembered that this challenge isn't about being super strict, it's about discovering how to make it a lifestyle.  So I stopped and thought to myself if I really wanted the chips.  I decided I did.  I had 4 chips and walked the dogs.  I really took notice of the taste of the chips and as usual, it wasn't as good as I imagined in my head.  So I stopped eating them.  They didn't really do it for me.  I think part of my problem, when super strict is that the imagined "unhealthy" food takes on this magical delicious taste and texture in my mind.  I keep thinking how wonderful it would be if I could just have a bite...   Well, mostly I know that's not true.  And when I'm not super tired I don't bother.  I have other delicious things to eat.  But when tired or under the weather, I may need to change tactics if the fantasy grows wildly.  I may need to stop and think whether or not I need to have some to stop the madness.  Last night it worked.  Monday it mostly worked, but I wasn't prepared.  I did not let the eating spiral out of control, however.  It's not that I think you shouldn't eat any snacks or carbs at all.  I know that for me, it's like crack-cocaine and I can get out of control.  I am retraining my brain to enjoy a smaller amount, in moderation.  Mostly I go without, but a planned snack is okay.

Also, I'm still deciding whether I should have a glass or two of wine tomorrow at Hallowine.  I may have a glass of wine, or my other options would be drink water all night, maybe in a fancy glass, or to have a drink like a gin and tonic.  I don't even know if that last will be available though.  What are your thoughts?  Continue to work this challenge to be about moderation?  I don't know.  I kind of like how I feel after not drinking.  Maybe I should wait until tomorrow to see how I'm feeling.  If I'm tired and stressed out I might not be able to handle just having one or two glasses, I might go totally overboard.

I am Freaking Awesome

From picturesof.net

I got home from work yesterday and I was so exhausted that all I wanted to do was take a nap.  I still made a burger and fries for Nathan and a burger- no bun with pickle and onions for myself.  I opted not to go to Tae Kwon Do.  I hate doing that.  It's only twice a week, but I was really, really tired.  I watched TV, snacked on some sunflower seeds and dried prunes (seriously, don't knock it til you've tried it), drank a lot of water and went to bed early.  This morning I slept in a little later than normal and took my time getting ready for the day.  I took a few sick hours so I can pull myself together and be ready for the three back to back meetings I have in a little bit.  What a good idea.  I'm a genius.  I had my cup of coffee and my eggs with sausage and now I'm feeling really good.  I could have done what most people do- suck it up and go to TKD and go to work on time instead of taking care of themselves.  I could have gone to TKD and been really off.  I could have gone to work on time, but I wouldn't have felt like talking to anybody or been able to concentrate on paperwork.  I was really tired.  But now I'm getting ready to go and I'm feeling energized.  The people that I meet with later are going to get way more energy, motivation and effective feedback from me because I took a little time for myself.  Our world is a little backwards when it comes to the job force.  We are encouraged to watch the clock, punch in and out at exact times, we are not given reinforcement for doing a good job.  I certainly don't get any incentives for any of the awesome stuff I do.  I've decided over the past year that it's my life and I am going to steer it in the direction I want it to go.  If for some ungodly reason I got let go for taking sick hours for self-care instead of being vomitous or snotty, then they will just be kicking themselves in the asses again anyway.  Cause I do a good job.  And when I take care of myself, I do a better job.  Anyway, just another aspect of health that sometimes we forget about.  Exercise is important.  Eating healthy is important.  Taking care of yourself mentally is also very, very important.
Oh, and I lost another pound, even though I didn't go to my hard core exercise class last night.

It's too early

Woke up super early this morning cause of cramps.  Hope the day goes okay even though I didn't sleep very well.  Writing because being tired is one of my easy excuses to eat terribly.  Too tired to prepare lunch, prepare good breakfast, prepare good dinner.  Tired so I feel like snacking to make myself feel better.  Not gonna do that today.  I'm at one of my schools today, so I'm going to have to make sure I get out and walking around to give myself some energy, instead of slumping in front of my computer.  That's the plan, we'll see how it goes!