spiritual hiatus. I had completed a paleo challenge with the Crossfit Oahu team, this time called "Natural November." I did great and once again was looking pretty fit at the end. When the challenge was over I repeated my same cycle of eating massive amounts of "non-paleo" foods- especially anything with wheat and sugar (cookies, bread, crackers), alcohol and some fried foods. I've gone through this many times and blogged about it before. I have no definitive answers. All I know is that every time I complete a challenge I "fall off the wagon" but every time it is not as destructive to my body. Since I've been doing the spiritual thing I thought to myself that I would just ride this out and see what happened. To just really go for it, to listen to my body and try to figure out what I really wanted and see what came out of that. I didn't want to stop myself and promise that I would eat "better." I wanted to wait for something to tell me it was time. So for much of December I had strange combinations of Oreos, whipped cream and bacon for breakfast, if that's what I was craving. If I felt like eating a "paleo" dinner, I would. If I felt like potato chips for dinner, I'd go for it. And if I wanted the entire bag of potato chips in one sitting, then I let go and ate them. And for some reason, I never felt guilty. The whole month of December I listened to my body. I had a couple of evenings where I had some cravings and I walked to Safeway with the express purpose of finding what it was that would fill that craving. I wandered all the aisles and I decided nothing was off limits. Was it pickles? Was it cookies? Was it pretzels? Was it cookie dough? Anybody following me around would think I was crazy. People go to the grocery store with lists! I just wandered. I'd pick something up and put it in my basket, but I might get to another aisle and decide that no, this chocolate bar would be better. I stopped stuffing down the craving beast and let it out into the open. I talked to it. I listened. Sometimes we had a miscommunication. Turns out the cookie dough was not ever really the answer. One time I picked just the right donut and enjoyed every single bite. One evening it was pretzels and Guinness. It was really fun to explore this feeling. I've written a little about this before, too. Do I want something crunchy? Something sweet? Something fatty or fried? While I wandered around the store I had time to really pinpoint it. As the end of December was nearing I began to have moments where I doubted myself. I thought I would have to do another challenge or set some restrictive goals- goodbye bread and alcohol. As I was washing dishes one day I thought, "Okay, tomorrow I will go back to eating healthy." And it was strange. I've gotten so used to questioning my thoughts and beliefs and this time, I didn't believe myself. I was saying it, but it was untrue. So I took it back. I told myself I would not make a commitment or goal about restricting something from my diet until I could feel it was time. A couple more times I had the thought that I was ready, but it wasn't true. Then for some reason on December 18 in the bright and early pre-dawn hours I woke up and thought, "Okay, I'm ready." And it was true. It was a release. I didn't have to stuff my face with sweets, but I didn't have to restrict myself completely anymore. And still, I waited for the New Year to start eating better. I wanted to make sure. And for the rest of the month, I felt like I was saying goodbye. Farewell, Guinness. Farewell, wine. Farewell, bagels.
For 2013, I'm not going to drink. I am not completely restricting myself, if there is an important social gathering I'm not saying I'm "not allowed." But I don't think I will. I am also going to continue to listen to my body to tell me what I want to eat. But it won't be the same things that I wanted before. I am going to continue to ask myself if my next action will lead me to feeling one of my Core Desired Feelings: Powerful, Energized, Connected, Clear and Free.
As for fitness I have a few goals, they include being able to do 5 handstand pushups, being able to lift 65 pounds for my overhead squat. To be able to do 5 muscle-ups, and increasing my mobility. I would love to be able to do a split. I'm so inflexible.
My other resolution for the year is that I intend to be more authentic every moment of every day.
What are your resolutions for this year?