I'm a quitter.

I’m a quitter.

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted here.  I think from now on, if I post, it probably won’t be often.  My life as it is currently isn’t going to be as interesting to anyone who found previous posts interesting.  There will be no more posts about losing weight, since I stopped weighing myself over a year ago.  There will be no more dieting posts, or counting calories posts, since I quit dieting a year ago as well.  The truth is, I decided to take my health and my life, much more seriously.

Did I post when I was counting calories and losing weight for my wedding that I also was losing my hair?  That was the first sign to me that something needed to change.  My hair was never exactly full, but it had never fallen out before.  At that point in my life, I thought I was so healthy.  I was running several miles almost every day of the week, I was restricting my calories to about 1200 a day, I was consuming low-fat, low-calorie foods.  I was making sure to eat breakfast, the most important meal of the day, and I was eating 6 small servings instead of 3 big ones.  I had tons of recipes on how to make chicken breast taste good without adding any calories or fat.  I had a drawer full of low-calorie snack bars to take with me just in case I was starving.  

I had headaches all of the time.  I blamed it on the sun, on too much coffee, on too little coffee, on job stress.  I wasn’t sleeping very well.  Almost every day, driving home from work, my stomach would hurt, it would be pressing against my pants.  I felt gassy and bloated, even though by the time I was driving home I had probably only eaten 700 calories.  

Worst of all, I was depressed and anxious.  I was worried about my job, money, my husband, my dog, my family back home.  So I cried a lot.  

Funny, I didn’t sit down to list all of these side effects.  I was just going to say that my hair was falling out, and I’ve made changes to my life in response, but then I started to remember the rest.  Healthiest in my life?  Nah.  I was skinny.  That’s about it.

Is it any wonder that nobody wants to “eat healthy?”

You may have read in previous blogs about how doing a whole30 challenge changed my life.  Very briefly, it is a 30 day challenge in which you remove from your diet a bunch of different types of foods.  I had accepted just because it was a challenge, and hell, I can do anything for 30 days.  I am glad I just accepted because I didn’t read about it first.  If I had, I would have declined.  It sounded so unhealthy.  Some of the rules made sense, like cutting out sugar (I could see how sugar can make you unhealthy), but among the “healthy” foods that I would be cutting out of my diet included: peanut butter, whole grains (all grains!), oatmeal, quinoa, milk and cheese, beans, corn, peas, soy,  anything processed and sugar substitutes.  The first question that everybody asks is “what can you eat?”

Turns out that there is a lot of food out there.  There is a lot of healthy food that I had to find.  I had to fight some major misconceptions and beliefs that I held about food.   

Here’s just a few:

• “Fat is bad!” Truth: There are good fats and I was probably starving my brain by avoiding all of them.  I began adding them to my life.  Avocado, coconut oil, olive oil, nuts, fat from pastured beef, chicken and pork.
• “You need to drink milk for the Calcium!” Truth: You get a ton of calcium from vegetables.  Most people just don’t eat enough of them.  But you certainly don’t need to drink milk if you are going to be eating your leafy greens.
• “You should replace most of your food with “healthier” versions like low-fat mayonaisse and sugar and calorie-free cookies and “lean cuisines.”  Truth: The real thing is going to kill you a lot slower than the low-calorie versions.  What the hell is even in a sugar-free, low-calorie cookie?  I am astounded now when I read labels.  If you do nothing else, start reading labels.  And if you’re going to eat a cookie, eat a real cookie.  With flour and sugar and salt and stuff not laboratory created.  That low-fat cracker is poison.
• “A calorie is a calorie.”  Doesn’t matter if it comes from a banana or from the sole of your shoe, they are the same thing.  How do we even allow ourselves to believe this?  Do we really believe that our body digests and uses a brownie exactly the same as it uses broccoli?  I mean, we are not stupid.  If you give a child a helicopter puzzle and tell them to create a giraffe out of it, they will look at you (rightly) like you are crazy.  Why then are we asking our bodies to do the very same thing?  Take that sugar and flour and make lean muscle mass and create blood and fat and all of the vitamins and minerals that your eyes and ears and brain need.  Try to make it out of that lean cuisine.  Try to make it out of that diet soda.  

These are just a few.  I’m sure you can find a better list somewhere else, these were the big ones for me.  

And so, I gradually became a quitter.  For 30 days I got rid of soy, alcohol, dairy, grains, sugar, processed foods and felt awesome.  After the challenge I inevitably added most of that back, because factory processed foods is so delicious.  I wasn’t ready to say no when offered donuts.  I went through several phases of guilt-ridden “binges” where I ate tons of crappy food and felt bad about it, then went back to “healthy” eating.  I didn’t realize quite yet that I was dealing with addictions, not motivation problems.  I didn’t realize that every time I quit alcohol or bread it was practice for the next time.  I made many, many mistakes.  Then in December 2013, this last year I was drinking a lot.  Maybe not very much compared to other people, but for me, it was a lot.  My husband had quit drinking years ago when his mother got a liver transplant and he never went back.  So I was drinking by myself.  And not just a glass of wine to relieve the stress or offer my heart some healthy resveratrol, but a couple of glasses.  Or a couple of tequila or gin drinks.  By myself.  And then, there I would be at 8pm.  Drunk.  Watching tv or playing on the computer.  I didn’t want to live that way, I didn’t like it.  I was going to quit drinking for the New Year.  I asked myself if I was ready.  The surprising answer was “no.”  So I listened to myself.  I decided I would wait until it actually felt right.

On January 4th it did.  I stopped drinking.  It was strange.  I’ve quit drinking many times in the last couple of years.  It might not have the same effect on you, but I easily get hangovers, and when I’m drinking I eat tons of crap.  It makes me feel bloated and nauseous and tired.  I don’t sleep well.  In fact, after drinking I would fall asleep fast, but wake up at 3am in a feverish sweat.  With the air conditioner on I would be so freaking hot.  For all of these reasons I quit.

And this time, I was ready.  I can honestly say I don’t want to drink anymore.  That’s not to say that someday something will change that, I don’t know, my life has changed so many times.  This is right for me right now.  

This blog is about the things I’ve quit.  

• I’ve quit soy (that was easy, except for soy sauce.)
• I’ve quit drinking alcohol.
• I’ve quit running or doing any distance cardio (paddling, jogging, bike rides).  Your body might be able to.  Mine was screaming for me to stop.
• I’ve quit sugar substitutes.  Which, I figured out later, was the reason for my headaches.
• I’ve quit peanut butter.
• I’ve quit weighing myself.  I seriously have no idea what I weigh right now, and it is immensely freeing.
• I’ve quit judging myself by the size of my waist.  It might sound conceited, but I am a good-looking lady.  It’s stupid to spend my time shaming myself about some muffin top over my usual jeans when my stomach is in a bigger phase.  You know who cares about that?  No one.  Or stupid, judgmental people.  They are not my friends anyway.  Why was I trying to impress them in the first place?
• I’ve quit eating meat and eggs from unethical sources.  I’m doing my best with this one.  I’m sure there’s someone out there who thinks they know my body better than me and will tell me I can live without meat.  Sure.  If I want to feel sick all of the time.  I’ve tried it.  So I have pledged to get my meat from local farms, the farmer’s market or Whole Foods, which, at least out here, tells you where it’s sourced from.  I can’t pretend like I don’t know what’s going on at mass producing CAFO farms.  I can’t unsee the images.

On my list to quit for good:

• Bread.  (Including cookies, donuts, all flour) Turns out that this is way harder than quitting drinking.  If you tell someone that you’ve quit drinking, I think they assume you have some kind of alcoholism that has destroyed some part of your life, so they don’t bother you too much.  But if you turn down a donut or a cookie, it’s like you’ve slapped them right across the face.  The reactions that you get from people are astounding.  “Just one, it won’t hurt you, but it’s so good!”  I have literally had to lie to people at work and tell them that I am grain and dairy intolerant.  I have to tell them that I am allergic and that it will make me sick.  Even though I’ve just told them that it will make me sick or possibly kill me, they will continue to offer.  Or they will give me this sad look that says how sorry they are for me.  Quitting bread is HARD.
• Dairy.  It’s on my list, but not high priority right now.  My biggest problem is that it gives me acne on my chest.  It’s annoying, but so far not annoying enough that I have stopped.  Some day, maybe.
• Judging myself for eating bread and dairy.  Nobody is perfect.  I am still stuck in the cycle of shame that comes every time I “break down” and eat bread of some kind of fried food.  I’m working on it.

And to those people who say “everything in moderation,” screw that.  I don’t enjoy hangovers in moderation.  I don’t like headaches in moderation.  I don’t want to feel bloated and gassy or depressed or anxious in moderation.  I would still prefer to eat a cookie if I want a cookie, but that doesn’t mean my long-term goal isn’t to quit.  I know that I’m not ready yet.  Some day I hope to be. This blog isn’t about you.  However you want to eat or drink or exercise to be healthy!  Awesome! Doing something, anything is better than nothing.  I have just moved past wanting to be skinny.  I don’t want to be skinny and unhealthy.  I want to be curvy and clear-headed and happy.

Is there anything in life you would like to quit? Share your story here!

Time to Review your New Year's Resolutions

So here we are, mid July.  Halfway through the year.  I just had my birthday the other day, so I've turned 33.  This time of the year is a great time to look back and see how you've been doing with your New Year's Resolutions.  Try to do it without beating yourself up.  In the beginning of the year we often have lofty ideas about what we'd like to incorporate into our lives, but the day to day is just as important.  Now is a great time to re-evaluate those resolutions rather than simply recommit.  As my good friend and teacher, Kitty Cavalier would say, those goals probably didn't seduce you.  The goals weren't right for you.  Or maybe it wasn't the right time for those goals in your life.  

Check them out.  Did you make some progress in those areas of your life?  Than give yourself credit!  Were you chasing goals that you made to impress someone else?  Ditch it!  Were your goals set too high?  Change it!  In the comments recommit to new goals for the second half of the year.

My goals from my New Year's blog this year:

"For 2013, I'm not going to drink. I am not completely restricting myself, if there is an important social gathering I'm not saying I'm "not allowed." But I don't think I will. I am also going to continue to listen to my body to tell me what I want to eat. But it won't be the same things that I wanted before. I am going to continue to ask myself if my next action will lead me to feeling one of my Core Desired Feelings: Powerful, Energized, Connected, Clear and Free.
As for fitness I have a few goals, they include being able to do 5 handstand pushups, being able to lift 65 pounds for my overhead squat. To be able to do 5 muscle-ups, and increasing my mobility. I would love to be able to do a split. I'm so inflexible.
My other resolution for the year is that I intend to be more authentic every moment of every day."

Well.   There are some goals, that looking back, were created because I was feeling super motivated.  I thought I wasn't going to drink.  I have some kind of mental fight that goes on in my head around alcohol.  Part of me thinks that I should never drink, that complete sobriety is something that a deeply grounded spiritual person would reach for.  And then someone offers me a glass of wine or a dark beer.  Or I hang out with my family for a week.  I am re-evaluating this goal.  For the rest of 2013, I am just going to enjoy an alcoholic beverage when it feels right.  Leave out the guilt.  I'm not sure where I got that sober spirituality image, but I'm making my own rules in my life.
I continue to just follow my body's desires for what to eat.  I am amazed that I still do not need to weight myself 6 months in.  I could tell after my vacation with the family that all the beer I was drinking was making me a bit bloated, my pants weren't fitting very well.  But then this morning I'm feeling great.  And I didn't do anything spectacular.  I'm just listening to what I really want.  What my body really wants.
I am still loving the Core Desired Feelings.  People, this is an amazing tool for your toolbox.  Every day I strive to feel Powerful, Energized, Connected, Clear, Free.  Every moment I am out of sync I can look around me and ask myself what I can do to make myself feel this way.  And there is always a way.
My fitness goals got put on a bit of a hold, but I am recommitting to them.  They are totally doable.  The handstand pushups I made progress on, I am able to do one.  I took some time off of going as much as I was to Crossfit, so now that my schedule is going to permit a regular schedule again, I think these goals are totally within reach.
So how are you doing with your goals?  Let me know!

New Year's Health Goals

It's been a while since I've written on the Life, Health, and Food blog, since I've been on a bit of a spiritual hiatus.  I had completed a paleo challenge with the Crossfit Oahu team, this time called "Natural November."  I did great and once again was looking pretty fit at the end.  When the challenge was over I repeated my same cycle of eating massive amounts of "non-paleo" foods- especially anything with wheat and sugar (cookies, bread, crackers), alcohol and some fried foods.  I've gone through this many times and blogged about it before.  I have no definitive answers.  All I know is that every time I complete a challenge I "fall off the wagon" but every time it is not as destructive to my body.  Since I've been doing the spiritual thing I thought to myself that I would just ride this out and see what happened.  To just really go for it, to listen to my body and try to figure out what I really wanted and see what came out of that.  I didn't want to stop myself and promise that I would eat "better."  I wanted to wait for something to tell me it was time.  So for much of December I had strange combinations of Oreos, whipped cream and bacon for breakfast, if that's what I was craving.  If I felt like eating a "paleo" dinner, I would.  If I felt like potato chips for dinner, I'd go for it.  And if I wanted the entire bag of potato chips in one sitting, then I let go and ate them.  And for some reason, I never felt guilty.  The whole month of December I listened to my body.  I had a couple of evenings where I had some cravings and I walked to Safeway with the express purpose of finding what it was that would fill that craving.  I wandered all the aisles and I decided nothing was off limits.  Was it pickles? Was it cookies? Was it pretzels? Was it cookie dough? Anybody following me around would think I was crazy.  People go to the grocery store with lists!  I just wandered.  I'd pick something up and put it in my basket, but I might get to another aisle and decide that no, this chocolate bar would be better.  I stopped stuffing down the craving beast and let it out into the open.  I talked to it.  I listened.  Sometimes we had a miscommunication.  Turns out the cookie dough was not ever really the answer.  One time I picked just the right donut and enjoyed every single bite.  One evening it was pretzels and Guinness.  It was really fun to explore this feeling.  I've written a little about this before, too.  Do I want something crunchy?  Something sweet?  Something fatty or fried?  While I wandered around the store I had time to really pinpoint it.  As the end of December was nearing I began to have moments where I doubted myself.  I thought I would have to do another challenge or set some restrictive goals- goodbye bread and alcohol.  As I was washing dishes one day I thought, "Okay, tomorrow I will go back to eating healthy."  And it was strange.  I've gotten so used to questioning my thoughts and beliefs and this time, I didn't believe myself.  I was saying it, but it was untrue.  So I took it back.  I told myself I would not make a commitment or goal about restricting something from my diet until I could feel it was time.  A couple more times I had the thought that I was ready, but it wasn't true.  Then for some reason on December 18 in the bright and early pre-dawn hours I woke up and thought, "Okay, I'm ready."  And it was true.  It was a release.  I didn't have to stuff my face with sweets, but I didn't have to restrict myself completely anymore.  And still, I waited for the New Year to start eating better.  I wanted to make sure.  And for the rest of the month, I felt like I was saying goodbye.  Farewell, Guinness.  Farewell, wine.  Farewell, bagels.
For 2013, I'm not going to drink.  I am not completely restricting myself, if there is an important social gathering I'm not saying I'm "not allowed."  But I don't think I will.  I am also going to continue to listen to my body to tell me what I want to eat.  But it won't be the same things that I wanted before.  I am going to continue to ask myself if my next action will lead me to feeling one of my Core Desired Feelings: Powerful, Energized, Connected, Clear and Free.
As for fitness I have a few goals, they include being able to do 5 handstand pushups, being able to lift 65 pounds for my overhead squat.  To be able to do 5 muscle-ups, and increasing my mobility.  I would love to be able to do a split.  I'm so inflexible.
My other resolution for the year is that I intend to be more authentic every moment of every day.
What are your resolutions for this year?

Breakdown? Or Breakthrough?

Yummy looking Steak

I was wondering how long it would take, or if it would happen at all.  I began the most recent paleo challenge, run by Crossfit Oahu on April 1.  I didn't have any difficulty during the challenge.  I found myself not wanting grains or alcohol, which are usually the cravings that I have.  In fact, it's usually something crunchy that I miss.  Anyway, the whole 45 day challenge was no problem.  Keysa and I decided to keep it up, and start a newer challenge with three "cheats" allowed during a week.  I didn't have any for the first two weeks.  Then I did carefully select some yogurt and honey.  I totally enjoyed it.  That was fine.  I did start craving some things I haven't had in a while.  I made it through May I think, and then my thinking started to change and I could tell.  I had pizza on June 12, which is fine, except that I didn't enjoy the three slices I shoved down my throat.  I ate better the next couple of days, then that Friday I had alcohol and some of the brownies that are STILL in my fridge that I made for Nathan's co-workers a few weeks ago.  Again, not a problem normally, except that I didn't play on it.  I just mindlessly ate it and felt slightly guilty about it.  I could feel myself going more and more off track.  Finally, this past Tuesday, some of my co-workers had ordered some lunch plates and I had not prepared myself a good lunch.  I had stopped to get a salad, and put raisins on it.  I had bought an avocado to add to it, but it turned out not to be ripe enough.  I had some of their breaded, deep fried shrimp and some of the sushi.  On my way home, all I could think about was fried won tons.  I realized then that I had to do something about this.  So.  I deliberately went to get some of the food I had been craving.  I got some garlic rolls and man doo pi from Foodland, I grabbed a bottle of wine, and went home.  I told my husband that I was going to eat whatever I could think of that I had been avoiding so if he wanted to go out and get pizza or something, tonight was the night.  So we both ordered P'zolos from Pizza Hut and got their super, duper hot wings.  We got the breaded, boneless wings.  I drank my wine, and ate tons of food.  But this time I did it mindfully.  I enjoyed every bite.

Pizza Hut P'Zolo

Yesterday I gave away the rest of the rolls, because Nathan won't eat them and I didn't enjoy them as much as I thought I would.  I hung on to the mon doo, and ended up eating the rest of it yesterday and today.  So now my leftovers should be all gone.  Yesterday I started my day with a huge omelette.  I prepared an awesome salad for lunch.  I made a tasty paleo dinner, but added some of the won tons.  This morning I finished the won tons, but again, I made a huge omelette, and made a delicious looking lunch of chicken sausage and leftover steak and veggies from last night.  My plan is to feed myself lots of primal food, even if it seems like too much.  I will start planning ahead again.  I can already tell my thinking patterns are starting to shift again.  I feel more motivated today, and I had this awesome daydream about the retreat house I will own someday in the woods near a lake.  The last couple of days I was just tired, and didn't feel like doing anything.  Today my imagination is back.
Breakdown? Or Breakthrough?  My verdict is that it is a breakthrough.  This time around I have been keeping a simple record of what I've been eating and I was able to look back to see the patterns.  My co-workers might really appreciate the data collection.  Anyway, looking back I can see where my thinking started to change.  Partially, it had to do with Keysa being gone, apparently I do better with some accountability.  Keysa and I were talking about food a lot, and with her being gone, I wasn't as focused on nutrition.  It may just be that it wasn't a priority for me.  I noticed at the same time that some of my lazier habits tend to come back all at once.  I wasn't having as much fun preparing for and making dinner, I wasn't waking up as chipper as normal, and on days when I didn't have work, I was starting to sleep in pretty late and not shower all day.  No big deal, except that it is usually the sign of the beginning of a depressive episode for me.  We all have our signs if we pay attention.  So.  I am actually just realizing this as I type.  And I realize that I need to pull my shit together right now, cause I'd prefer not to get all moody and non-motivated.  Do we all get like this sometimes?  I don't know.  I just know what happens to me.  I can envision myself holing up in the house, not crafting, not reading, just laying around.  Awesome, right?  Not that I was falling into a depression, but that I'm able to catch it this time!
I encourage anyone who is trying to make a major life change, such as totally changing your eating habits to share it with the right friends to create some accountability.  For me, just knowing that some of my friends will read this, is what is going to get me back on track.  Even if not one of you makes it all the way through the end of this long ass blog post, there is the slight possibility that you have, and that you might wonder whether I am going to follow through on my commitment to changed behavior.  So, thankyou kind reader for keeping me healthy and sane.

Busy!

Used these for my pull-ups

So I have been incredibly busy for a while and then last week I kind of shut down a bit.  Work has not given me much breathing room, so I've been going non-stop during the day.  It's been a lot of fun having Anna around, because I've been super active on the days that I'm not working and even sometimes on the days that I am.  Crossfit has been awesome.  I really like the coaches so far, each one has their own style and has different kinds of workouts.  They aren't kidding when they say "Our Warmup is Your Workout."  The warm-up for yesterday's workout was finding the max weight you could lift with a back squat.  I started off way too low, not knowing what I was capable of and ended up doing a ton of reps before I found what was really difficult.  Then we did pushups, pullups and squats to make sure we had the proper form before we even started our workout.  Which was a 25-20-15-10-5 for form instead of time.  So you do 25 pullups with whatever modification you need, in proper form.  If it's not good form it doesn't count.  Then 25 pushups, then 25 squats.  Then 20 pullups, pushups and squats.  Then 15 pullups, pushups and squats and so on and so forth.  I liked this workout, since it was a change from the usual beat the clock.  I wasn't racing anyone or competing with anyone.  I took as much time as I needed in between reps to make sure my next pullup was going to be a good one.  And if I performed badly I took a couple of seconds to recoup and redo.  It took around 20 minutes.  I like that you learn alot about what you are capable of and what you need to work on.  I find myself getting stronger very quickly.  As Keysa, Anna and I agreed yesterday, it also doesn't hurt to have such eye candy available during your workouts.  Co-ed workouts are great, just sayin'.
As for the paleo challenge, yesterday was technically my last day.  Over the weekend though, I had kind of a depression breakdown, I didn't want to do anything and I just had this strong craving for something and I couldn't figure out what it was.  On Sunday Nathan wanted Zippy's and I got dinner there.  Of course, it was not paleo in the least.  There is no paleo at Zippy's.  It was an interesting experiment.  I had some french fries, and that did not satisfy the craving.  I had some of a bear claw and that did not satisfy the craving.  I am glad that I did the experiment as a "cheat" during my challenge.  It turns out that all of those snacks that I would seek out to satisfy that craving, didn't satisfy at all.  So I stopped eating them.  Back to better eating on Monday.  I did this challenge in my own way without guilt, so like I said in earlier posts, it was not a perfect "whole30."  I didn't follow all of the rules, I just closely based my eating habits on it.
So in review for this challenge:
I was not a stickler about cheese.  I didn't actively put cheese on my food, but several times we went out to dinner and invariably there would be cheese on the salad.  I would flick some off, but eat the rest.  Dairy has not been a huge issue for me, so I didn't go totally crazy about keeping it off my food.  I did not, however, drink milk or have yogurt or kefir.  I think I'm going to add back kefir at times now that I'm done with the challenge.
I kept bread out totally.  This is the main one that I want to keep doing.  With every other food in the world I seem to be able to regulate.  Bread is my kryptonite.  As for the rest of grains, I'll leave out rice for the most part, noodles totally.  Other grains like quinoa, granola, oatmeal- in moderation as a special treat.  Definitely not a daily addition.
Soy I'm done with.  I was never a fan of it in the first place, so there's no reason for me to reintroduce.  I will not be an asshole if someone offers me something to eat if it is soy based, but I'm definitely going to steer clear if I'm not making anyone uncomfortable.
Sugar- I'm going to do my best to stick to high percentage cacao as a replacement for sugary desserts.  Bananas, other fruit and coconut milk are great replacements as well.  There are going to be times that I will be offered sugary treats.  I am going to turn them down as a general rule.  There may be times like this weekend where I may need some chocolate.  Again, I'm going to do my best to use the better options and steer clear of things like snickers or peanut butter cups.
Alcohol.  This was hard for me during the challenge, which tells me something about my relationship with alcohol.  It's something for me to think about for sure.  A glass of wine with dinner or after is no big deal, but I need to get clear about what the strong cravings were about.  I need to get better at coping with boredom or loneliness/sadness with something other than food/drink.  I was surprised that there were times that I almost panicked.  I wrote about the day I gave in and had tequila with coconut water.  It was obvious once I had some that it was not the cure-all I had been looking for.  I never did figure out why I wanted some so badly.  Then last night I had wine- a few glasses with Anna and Keysa.  On the drive to take Keysa home I actually felt naseous.  Obviously had too much.  So I'm gonna keep an eye on this one.  I will continue to report because this is my freaking blog and I can do what I want.

So back on track

My Muscles are Gonna Be Huge

Thank God for the paleo challenge I'm doing again.  And thank God Keysa is doing it with me.  I was just reading through my blog posts from 2011.  I was doing fantastic at the beginning of the year, and stayed on track until about July.  Then I started to really veer off of the healthy eating.  I wonder if it is because Tae Kwon Do was not challenging enough.  Either way I gained weight, and then started eating horribly, starting with the HalloWine at the YMCA.  Then straight through December and the end of 2011.  It's pretty awesome how quickly it happens.  2012 has again been a great start.  Crossfit has been fun, although some of the Group Elements classes have been extraordinarily boring.  I think I've mentioned that before.  It's cool though, because now we know what the hell they're talking about when they set forth the workout and I don't feel like a complete idiot.  The other day we did Cindy, I did 13 rounds.  I had a lot of modifications, but I'm okay with it.  I know that TKD allowed me to get really weak.  It's no excuse, I'm just not the type to keep up with workouts on my own.  If we didn't do pushups or cardio during a class, I certainly wasn't going to do it on my own.  So my Cindy was pretty weak, but I have something to work towards now.  At some point I'd like to be able to do a straight dead hang pullup.  Maybe even a few in a row!  I want to be strong like I used to be.  It would be a lot of fun to be able to pull myself up the pullup cage or up the rings ropes or up the regular old ropes and just fucking climb all around.  That's right, like a freaking monkey.  That's my goal for the next few months.  Sweet abs would be great while I'm at it, but being able to climb like a monkey is a-number-one priority.

Not Like This One

Like This Monkey

30 Day Challenge for Realz

Popping Poppers

Photo Shoot

I had an awesome Christmas this year, Anna and I skyped with multiple family members and got some crazy awesome gifts.  Then did a lot of relaxing over the winter break.  Saturday was New Years Eve, in case you didn't know, and that was so much fun!  We hiked 2 of the 3 peaks of Olomana, did some photography shoots and tarot card readings on the peak.  Had Teddy's Bigger Burgers for our meal after and then headed home to get all dressed up to hang out.  We headed to Joanna's where Keysa is house sitting and did lots of drinking and more photography.  Nathan set off some poppers and entertained the 5 ladies hanging out.  The doggies stayed outside and barked at fireworks going off in the distance.  They were just the right amount of drugged so they didn't go totally crazy.  I felt kind of bad, but it's better than how scared they get otherwise.  Nathan and I dropped off Anna and Ananda downtown, then picked them back up 3 hours later.  All in all it was a great end to the year.
Yesterday I woke up pretty tired and cranky and Nathan and I were snippy at each other.  Then I took a nap and felt better. But we also started our paleo whole30 challenge yesterday for real.  It's not too different for me.  Luckily I have practice not having toast when Nathan has toast and can avoid the chocolate in the fridge.  Anna does not have such practice under her belt.  I feel pretty good, although I am still pretty bloated from my December shenanigans.

Lovely Ladies

So far so good in 2012!  The plan for today is to hike Kaena Point!  Will put up some pics if we go!

I Discovered My Limit

Because Anna and I put off our Whole 30 paleo challenge until New Years, I have been eating horribly.  I have been choosing to stuff my face with anything that might possible be considered delicious.  Cookies, beer, chocolate, donuts, french fries, hamburgers, won tons, you name it.  Yesterday I woke up feeling like crap (surprise!).  I went to work and ate my breakfast a little late, my eggs with bacon.  Then probably an hour later I was bored so I ate the leftover half Kim Chee Burger from Big City Diner.  Then I ate the banana I brought.  Then I had the piece of candy that was in my lunch box.  At about 11:30 I got the reminder text that we were having a work meeting at the Golden Lion Chinese Restaurant at 12:30, which I had totally forgotten about.  So I left the school to meet my coworkers and have my second lunch.  I ate a whole bunch of Won Ton Mein.  I saved some of it for later, but ate that immediately upon my return home.  Then I had some chocolate.  And some more chocolate.

Second Lunch Eaten Here

This is how I felt

Luckily I had planned on going to Crossfit at 7pm, so that gave me a reason to stop stuffing my face.  I made some meat and rice stirfry for Nathan and then Keysa and I walked to the box.  My stomach hurt sooo bad.  I told her that I think I had reached my actual physical limit for food consumption and that any more and I might have exploded.  It effected how I worked out.  It made me slow and uncoordinated due to the discomfort.  So I decided last night that I will not be eating like that anymore.  It was truly awful.  I'm not sure exactly why I felt the need to eat so much.  It's strange. 

Fattening Up and Gluten Loading

So Anna and I have decided that our official date to start our Whole 30 Paleo Challenge will be December 16th.  I will get paid on the 15th, so I can start to replenish the cabinets, fridge and freezer with good for me treats.  Also on this day we shall take before pics so you can be enthralled by our transformations.  To plan I am printing up some Paleo food posters for the fridge and only buying paleo (except for Kefir and Yogurt, I need my good bacteria and can't afford the supplements) from now until the end of the challenge.  In preparation I am eating as much glutenous, sugary, processed food and beer as I can fit down my throat and into my bloated belly.
The plan this time is not to finish the whole 30 with a sugar buffet, but this time to stick with it within reason.  I plan on being super strong and fit for the Warrior Dash in March, so that is my goal.  I am hoping too that Crossfit and Paleo will help me get my knee back in shape in time to run the Great Aloha Run.
Yesterday I had the best time ever, being a part of Keysa Hale's Marathon Pit Crew.  She has been training for months to prepare to run the Honolulu Marathon and only asked that we meet her at some point to hand her some coconut water and grapes.  Instead we created an elaborate plan to meet her at mile 17, hand her the goods, and then run with her relay style until the finish.  I took the first 3 miles.  We chatted about her weekend from mile 17 to 20.  It was awesome running in the marathon.  I got to experience all of the cheering and hullabaloo without actually putting in too much effort.  I did my best to stay out of everyone's way and to enhance Keysa's marathon experience.  At mile 20 I bowed out, called the crew driving nearby and hopped into the car at a bus stop.  We kept driving and when we spotted her and her friend again, Anna jumped out and joined her.  Then Joanna, Ananda and I found them at mile 24 and Ananda and Anna finished the last two miles with her before leaving the track near the finish.  Keysa finished on her own and we celebrated with pictures, oatmeal cookies, and the pool at her hotel.  It was so much fun.  It made Anna and Ananda want to train for a marathon.  It solidified my knowledge that I do not ever want to run 26.2 miles.  I still like shorter distances.

A Wedding, A Baby and A Bonfire, Part III

Gathering her Strength and Courage for Log Rolling

Day 7, Log Rolling!  Monday was spent with preparation for the bonfire.  Much planning occurred on this day.  We dismantled the old firepit seating and built what we believed to be a beautiful 3 level piece of art that may or may not burn.  We then proceeded to roll newly cut logs (gift of Hurricane Irene and chainsawed by my Dad) up a shortish hill and over to the firepit area for some new seating.  It was a hell of a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.  I think I am going to add the video to my blog, if I remember tonight.  Look for it on the side of the homepage.

The Cache of Logs at the Bottom of the Hill

 After a full day of physical labor we rested a bit and waited for Mom to get home.  That was a bit unpleasant.  We went out and did some more log rolling.  Mom was not an active participant.  Later in the evening after feeling quite uncomfortable for a good length of time we decided to leave the house for some beers.  We had a shout out with Mom, which ended in quite a civil manner and an agreement to hike Overlook after she got off of work on Tuesday.  Anna and I left to hit a fabulous tavern called the Dutch Ale House in Saugerties, NY.  I had a really great chicken and mozzarella panini and we shared a super yummy salad.  I had two Guinness' as well.  Then we moved locations to some other bar and had some beers with Anna's longtime friend Robert Horton.  I didn't care.  I just didn't feel like being home.  When we were tired enough we headed home and tucked into Anna's bed to watch an episode of Hoarders.  I didn't even make it through the first one.  Anna elbowed me when I started open mouthed snoring halfway through the show and kicked me out to my own bed.  I tucked in with my 6 blankets and tried to warm up.  I did sleep like a baby once warm enough.

Our Multilevel Creation

Day 8, Overlook. I usually get up to hang out with Mom in the morning to have some coffee and such, but I wasn't really feeling it.  She ended up stopping into my room and double checking our agreement for Overlook Moutain hiking.  I said I was surely in.  Anna and I proceeded to roll some more logs and build a better bonfire.  It was freaking awesome.  I'm sure it was the coolest if not the most flammable bonfire around at the time.  We rolled logs until we couldn't move our arms anymore, then we went to Target for some gifts for the nephews and our brand new niece.  We got some super cute stuff and headed home.  Mom came home and we all filed into her car for the hike.  It was slightly uncomfortable at first, and we mostly made some small talk.  We started the hike and mom took off on a speed walk.  Anna and I fought to keep up and finally she tired out a bit and we were able to talk for real.  We talked all the way up to the top.  The views were fantastic.  It was cold and misty, so the building was surrounded by fog.  I kept taking my scarf off because I was sweaty and then putting it immediately back on because it was really freaking cold.  Here's some pictures:

Climbing the Rope like Nobody's Business

 Post Overlook I had to remind Mom that I was headed to Boston the next day.  Then we went out to meet Jen Stack who was going to take me to Crossfit.  Crossfit rocked.
Day 8, Crossfit and Babies. TBC

A Wedding, A Baby and a Bonfire, Part II

The Bride

The Shoes

Day 4, Wedding.  We woke up early on Friday to get our nails did with the wedding party.  I got a mani-pedi and the ladies were quite aggressive with my nails.  Two of my nails suffered cuts, but what is the price of beauty?  My nails looked fabulous.
Andrea and I then trekked to the grocery store to pick out snacks while I shivered in the freezing cold 50 degree air.  At Arin and Andrea's place I set up to create peacock feather boutonnières for the men in the family and Anna went out to correct our mismanagement of our hotel situation.  There was some tears and cursing involved but it all worked out in the end.

Arin and Dad

Arin and I set the traps for the squirrels that are taking up residence in her attic, and actually caught one!  So two hours before her wedding Arin and I covered the live trap with a towel, drove it to the park down the road and set it free in front of a wedding party and a very surprised bus driver.  This was a very productive day.
Arin and Andrea took naps, Anna and I left for the hotel to get our dresses on and returned to the house.  We got whisked away by somebody's brother and got to the venue to set up and get pretty.  It was so much fun!  We have almost no pictures from setting up and the wedding.  We drank champagne, put on makeup, did our hair and helped Arin into her dress.  I helped the photographer set up for some pics of the dress and shoes.  Andrea was in a separate room being forced into makeup.  It was pretty exciting.  When the family showed up I brought Maka, Andrea's nephew up to get his boutonniere and he was really stoked about it.  Then I brought Andrew, Alec and Dad up to get theirs.  I'm pretty sure the photographer got some good pictures of that too.

Best Wedding Ceremony Ever

Soon after one of the best wedding ceremonies I've ever witnessed began.  Family and friends all moved to the floor in front of the stage.  The lights all dimmed and on the balcony the spotlight lit up on Andrea.  The Muppets "Somebody's Getting Married" started playing and Arin met Andrea in the spotlight.  The photographer ninja rolled out of a doorway behind for a picture of the couple and then they came down to the dance floor.  Hugs were given on their way to the stage.
Marge, the officiant gave one of the best speeches I've ever heard and it was obvious that she knew the couple very well.  Wedding vows were exchanged and they were also well thought out.  I don't cry much at weddings, but I cried at this one.  It was pretty beautiful.
When all was said and done, marriage happened and then the dancing ensued.  Holy mackerel, there's not too much video of that and it's a crying shame.  There was a lot of fist pumping, foot stomping and pointing involved.  One of my best nights ever.  I laughed so hard I was crying many times that night.  We danced until they kicked us out then tried to have an after party at the Foley's place.  We attempted to bring it to the next level, but that mostly involved going back to the hotel to sleep.
Day 5, The next morning those of us who stayed in the Microtel snuck over to the Embassy where the others were holed up.  We indulged in an all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet and then headed back to the venue to help clean up.  We packed up Vandalf and another unnamed vehicle, and returned everything then went back to Arin's for a full day of relaxation.  Andrew and his girlfriend Emily had to leave, but Alec, Anna, Dad and I decided to stay over one more night, since we were having such a great time and the newlyweds made the mistake of not kicking us out yet.

Indian Orgy on the Sorry Board

That night we made hot chocolate and sat around the firepit in their backyard.  A decision was made to have an epic battle on the Sorry board.  With 8 players on one board it becomes Super Sorry, where "only 7 may enter!!"  We played til the wee hours and Alec won.
Day 6, Baby!  Elisheva Sarah was born at 6am!  We got a text from Angela that she had a baby, although at that time it had yet to be named.  (We just called her Betty.)  There was some more dancing.  We had pancakes and coffee, sat around and tried to catch more squirrels, but in the end we had to face the fact that Andrea was done with us and we had to head back to New York.  Into the car we piled after dragging Anna out of the house with us.  We left behind the very happy couple who would be headed off to New Orleans in just a few days.
Upon our return home it wasn't great, in that, it sucked pretty bad.  We stopped at the supermarked to get ingredients for Kebabs, grilled them up and waited for Mom to get home.  She did and mumbled a bit under her breath and then we escaped to bed.
Overall it was totally worth it.  What a fantastic weekend.  And this was just the first of my expeditions for the vacation! In the next installment of A Wedding, A Baby and a Bonfire, I'll tell you all about my hike to Overlook, some log rolling and then a trip to Boston!

A Wedding, A Baby and a Bonfire Part I

Where to even start?  I have been off on the East Coast for the past two weeks.  I returned on Monday evening with a slight cold and extreme exhaustion.  My travels were freaking awesome.  I don't know if I have the energy to write about it all today.  Let's get it started.
Day 1, fly out and sleep on the plane.

Aunt Nancy and Mamasita Sullivan

A White Dog

Rows of Trees Fallen Together

Day 2, land in Newark Airport, New Jersey.  My aunt Nancy picked me up from the airport at 11am Eastern Time and we started driving North where I would meet my mom.  The plan was for mi madre to take me the rest of the way after some lunch.  The drive up was good, Aunt Nancy was excited to hang out and we did some deep spiritual talking.  I was surprised how open minded she was.  It was a great start to the trip.  We met my Mom at some rest stop and Aunt Nancy pulled out the baked chicken, tomatoes, celery and baby carrots for lunch.  She had even looked up Paleo and did her best to make something I could eat.  So cute!  We had that and a banana cream pie to celebrate my mother's birthday that day.  A really mellow celebration.  We said farewell to Aunt Nancy and headed North again.  The drive with Mom was good, we listened to some Phantom of the Opera and talked all the way to the house.  We walked around our property and she showed me the damage from Hurricane Irene.  Lots of trees were down, in really creepy patterns all across the woods.

Your Roots are Showing!

Hurricane Irene did some crazy damage.  Even the Hammock tree went down.  Luckily nothing hit my parent's house.  That would have been awful.  On the positive side, Hurricane Irene gave us plenty of wood to build a new bonfire area, complete with bench seating.  We also had plenty of hot dog roasting sticks and logs to throw on the fire.

Day 3, I took a walk while Mom and Dad were at work.  I got up early to  tool around the neighborhood since I haven't been there in so long.  Last time I was in the area I had no time to myself, so I relished the alone time.  I walked to the field next to our property, then walked down Mrs Franks road to check out the area that I spent most of my time in the mornings waiting for the school bus.  It was great to be there.  I also had an AHA moment when I realized that the small stream that travels under Franks Road is the one that appears in my dreams sometimes.  Interesting.  I continued walking left on Phillips towards the Cow Lady.  I was a little worried that she might still have goats and that I would have to run to avoid their nasty bites.  (Not that I ever got bit, but they were gross and I'm sure they would tear out my flesh if they got their teeth on me.)  No goats or cows at the Cow Lady's place.  In fact, I think the Cow Lady is no longer at the Cow Lady's.  A moment later Anna and Alec arrived in Anna's car and I jumped in the back for a ride home.  There we packed, tried on dresses and waited for Dad to arrive.  When he did we stuffed the car and headed for Philly.  I texted my Mom to let her know our locale and mentally moved on to my next activity: Project Wedding.

Anna in the Window Sleeper at the Microtel

We got to our hotel, which sadly I have no pictures of.  It was a Microtel.  It had two huge beds and mirrors all over the place.  A bit creepy, but all we needed was a place to rest our domes after the drinking and dancing that was about to ensue.  So we checked in, put on our rehearsal dinner gear and headed off again, this time to Arin's neighbor's, the Foley's home. This is where the rehearsal dinner party was happening, apparently there was also some actual rehearsing happening at the venue.  Arin and Andrea came later.  I have to say that Arin's friends are pretty awesome.  She has built quite the family.  I'm glad that she has surrounded herself with a group of people that cares so much about her.  

We quit that party around 11pm and headed back to the Microtel for our beauty sleep.

Day 4, Wedding.  I'm gonna save this post for later, cause there's way too much to write at this present moment.  Maybe later tonight.  So far, 4 days in and sooo much fun was had!

I'm Leaving On a Jet Plane!

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go

Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
- John Denver



So, I'm headed to the East Coast tonight! My plane leaves at 7:25 my time and arrives at 10am your time. I'm going to do my best to sleep on the plane so I'm not exhausted when I get there. I've got lots of plans and I'm going to do my best not to get sick, lose my voice, get really bad headaches or cramps. I'm not sure how my hair is going to deal with the cold, dry weather, but it should be interesting to say the least. I'm excited for pedicures, dresses, makeup and dancing. I've been listening to my Miss Saigon CD to prepare for the trip. It's being imported to my Ipod as we speak. I think I've got everything packed that I need, and still am only taking a carry-on bag. Pretty awesome. I'm a simple person. Plus if I really need to I'll buy a pair of jeans or something. We all know you can wear jeans every day for 2 weeks, no problem.

In the meantime I'm doing my best not to gain 20 pounds. The bread from that damn store smells soooo good. I hate delicious bread bakers. They make me fat. Damn their soft, yeasty dough and their blueberry and white chocolate chip pieces. And damn them for baking it just the way I like it, just slightly under cooked at the corners, so you get that little bite of chewy goodness at the end. Le sigh. Life is so hard. Honestly, I'm most worried about my stomach on the plane. My body is not used to this level of white flour and my stomach has been, well, ah hem. Not good. Need to find a snack that I can bring with me and try to avoid being triple bloated when I board.

Love all you East Coasters, hopefully I'll get a chance to see you in a few days!!

Eating Healthy is the First to Go

So I have been having a really hard time the past few days.  It doesn't matter that I'm going back East to have a fabulously fun time, it's always stressful to get ready for a long vacation.  Especially since Nathan isn't going with me.  I'm not packed yet.  I just bought dresses for the wedding.  I'm finishing my paperwork here at work and there is way more than I'd like to admit to get done here still.  When I get stressed I get hypersensitive.  So when my friends came to help me find dresses at Ross yesterday instead of being able to enjoy the time, although it did end up being quite fruitful, I was snippy and grumpy.  When I get stressed I want everyone to just go away so I can sit by myself and pull myself back together.  But I can't do that right now.  I left myself too much to do, and Nathan's mother is visiting from New York.  I may head off to the library or something before I head home so I can just have a moment or two of alone time.  I don't need much.  But I haven't been by myself in a while.  I need that.  Of course tomorrow evening I'm going to get plenty of alone time.  I'm going to be sitting by myself in the airport for two hours and then flying by myself for 11 more.  After that I'm not sure if I'm going to have any time to relax, I think pretty much from when I land I'm going to be all over the place, trying to fit a bazillion things into two weeks of vacation time.
I hate to admit it, but my eating has been shit.  I have been stuffing bread down my throat and drinking wine at night.  On Saturday we went to the Polynesian Cultural Center, which was pretty great.  The shows were good at each island "station" and then we did a buffet dinner and "Ha, Breath of Life" the show.  So in the morning I ate well, my eggs as usual, but then we got to PCC and the only semi-foodlike thing to eat was chili nachos or a chili hot dog.  So I just ate the chili hot dog and enjoyed it.  I also had some shave ice, which is a tooooon of sugar.  Then, of course, the buffet was painfully bad for me.  I did my best in the beginning to line my plate with the prime rib, the crab legs, the eggplant, the fish and chicken.  There were also lots of sauted vegetables.  The thing is that most of the meat was breaded and fried and the sauces were all full of sugar.  And that just sends me into a tailspin.  This ended with 2 slices of oreo cheesecake among other tasty desserts.  Keep in mind, the food was DELICIOUS.  Then yesterday, breakfast and lunch were good, but dinner was sloppy joes with this delicious bread from this fabulous bread store down the street.  How am I going to argue when someone else is cooking for me?  My motivation and self-control have been non-existent.  At least I went hiking yesterday.
Anyway, those are my complaints.  All in all, not so bad.  I've got a pretty great life.  It just sometimes feels overwhelming, even though eating a great deal of food is not really a problem in many people's books.  I am lucky and grateful that I have my mother-in-law out here buying us food and cooking for us.

The good news is I got two fabulous dresses, I've got a list here next to me of all the things I need to pack so when I go home it shouldn't take too long and my Ipod is full of good music and two audio books.  I don't know what movies are going to be happening on the plane, but hopefully I can sleep through them and be ready to rock and roll when I get to New Jersey Wednesday morning.  I will be in charge of making food for myself in the next few weeks and I am going to be very selective about what I buy.  Lots of bacon, hopefully.