Breakdown? Or Breakthrough?

Yummy looking Steak

I was wondering how long it would take, or if it would happen at all.  I began the most recent paleo challenge, run by Crossfit Oahu on April 1.  I didn't have any difficulty during the challenge.  I found myself not wanting grains or alcohol, which are usually the cravings that I have.  In fact, it's usually something crunchy that I miss.  Anyway, the whole 45 day challenge was no problem.  Keysa and I decided to keep it up, and start a newer challenge with three "cheats" allowed during a week.  I didn't have any for the first two weeks.  Then I did carefully select some yogurt and honey.  I totally enjoyed it.  That was fine.  I did start craving some things I haven't had in a while.  I made it through May I think, and then my thinking started to change and I could tell.  I had pizza on June 12, which is fine, except that I didn't enjoy the three slices I shoved down my throat.  I ate better the next couple of days, then that Friday I had alcohol and some of the brownies that are STILL in my fridge that I made for Nathan's co-workers a few weeks ago.  Again, not a problem normally, except that I didn't play on it.  I just mindlessly ate it and felt slightly guilty about it.  I could feel myself going more and more off track.  Finally, this past Tuesday, some of my co-workers had ordered some lunch plates and I had not prepared myself a good lunch.  I had stopped to get a salad, and put raisins on it.  I had bought an avocado to add to it, but it turned out not to be ripe enough.  I had some of their breaded, deep fried shrimp and some of the sushi.  On my way home, all I could think about was fried won tons.  I realized then that I had to do something about this.  So.  I deliberately went to get some of the food I had been craving.  I got some garlic rolls and man doo pi from Foodland, I grabbed a bottle of wine, and went home.  I told my husband that I was going to eat whatever I could think of that I had been avoiding so if he wanted to go out and get pizza or something, tonight was the night.  So we both ordered P'zolos from Pizza Hut and got their super, duper hot wings.  We got the breaded, boneless wings.  I drank my wine, and ate tons of food.  But this time I did it mindfully.  I enjoyed every bite.

Pizza Hut P'Zolo

Yesterday I gave away the rest of the rolls, because Nathan won't eat them and I didn't enjoy them as much as I thought I would.  I hung on to the mon doo, and ended up eating the rest of it yesterday and today.  So now my leftovers should be all gone.  Yesterday I started my day with a huge omelette.  I prepared an awesome salad for lunch.  I made a tasty paleo dinner, but added some of the won tons.  This morning I finished the won tons, but again, I made a huge omelette, and made a delicious looking lunch of chicken sausage and leftover steak and veggies from last night.  My plan is to feed myself lots of primal food, even if it seems like too much.  I will start planning ahead again.  I can already tell my thinking patterns are starting to shift again.  I feel more motivated today, and I had this awesome daydream about the retreat house I will own someday in the woods near a lake.  The last couple of days I was just tired, and didn't feel like doing anything.  Today my imagination is back.
Breakdown? Or Breakthrough?  My verdict is that it is a breakthrough.  This time around I have been keeping a simple record of what I've been eating and I was able to look back to see the patterns.  My co-workers might really appreciate the data collection.  Anyway, looking back I can see where my thinking started to change.  Partially, it had to do with Keysa being gone, apparently I do better with some accountability.  Keysa and I were talking about food a lot, and with her being gone, I wasn't as focused on nutrition.  It may just be that it wasn't a priority for me.  I noticed at the same time that some of my lazier habits tend to come back all at once.  I wasn't having as much fun preparing for and making dinner, I wasn't waking up as chipper as normal, and on days when I didn't have work, I was starting to sleep in pretty late and not shower all day.  No big deal, except that it is usually the sign of the beginning of a depressive episode for me.  We all have our signs if we pay attention.  So.  I am actually just realizing this as I type.  And I realize that I need to pull my shit together right now, cause I'd prefer not to get all moody and non-motivated.  Do we all get like this sometimes?  I don't know.  I just know what happens to me.  I can envision myself holing up in the house, not crafting, not reading, just laying around.  Awesome, right?  Not that I was falling into a depression, but that I'm able to catch it this time!
I encourage anyone who is trying to make a major life change, such as totally changing your eating habits to share it with the right friends to create some accountability.  For me, just knowing that some of my friends will read this, is what is going to get me back on track.  Even if not one of you makes it all the way through the end of this long ass blog post, there is the slight possibility that you have, and that you might wonder whether I am going to follow through on my commitment to changed behavior.  So, thankyou kind reader for keeping me healthy and sane.

I'm Leaving On a Jet Plane!

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go

Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
- John Denver



So, I'm headed to the East Coast tonight! My plane leaves at 7:25 my time and arrives at 10am your time. I'm going to do my best to sleep on the plane so I'm not exhausted when I get there. I've got lots of plans and I'm going to do my best not to get sick, lose my voice, get really bad headaches or cramps. I'm not sure how my hair is going to deal with the cold, dry weather, but it should be interesting to say the least. I'm excited for pedicures, dresses, makeup and dancing. I've been listening to my Miss Saigon CD to prepare for the trip. It's being imported to my Ipod as we speak. I think I've got everything packed that I need, and still am only taking a carry-on bag. Pretty awesome. I'm a simple person. Plus if I really need to I'll buy a pair of jeans or something. We all know you can wear jeans every day for 2 weeks, no problem.

In the meantime I'm doing my best not to gain 20 pounds. The bread from that damn store smells soooo good. I hate delicious bread bakers. They make me fat. Damn their soft, yeasty dough and their blueberry and white chocolate chip pieces. And damn them for baking it just the way I like it, just slightly under cooked at the corners, so you get that little bite of chewy goodness at the end. Le sigh. Life is so hard. Honestly, I'm most worried about my stomach on the plane. My body is not used to this level of white flour and my stomach has been, well, ah hem. Not good. Need to find a snack that I can bring with me and try to avoid being triple bloated when I board.

Love all you East Coasters, hopefully I'll get a chance to see you in a few days!!

Stress is Strong!

I have been eating really well since the beginning of this challenge.  I've been mostly paleo with some tastes of things here and there to see how I handle it.  (Except for last weekends Hallowine, see the previous post for that story, LOL)  Wednesday night I came home and Nathan was upset about something and we had a small argument and MAN! stress drives me straight to the carbs.  Let's see, I want to remember correctly what I ended up eating.  I had already made a pork roast and small salt potatoes.  The potatoes were for Nathan and they were drowned in butter.  I had a few of those- maybe 3.  Then after dinner I had a slice of the leftover pizza from the weekend.  A thin crust meat lovers from pizza hut.  I saw myself spinning out of control and grabbed some raisins and walnuts and some chocolate.  It's hard to be totally honest about this, I keep wanting to make my eating habits sound better than they are.  Funny!

Anyway, my stomach is quite upset about Wednesdays shenanigans, still.  I feel bloated and gassy.  That's what I get.  Tonight I'm going dancing for Joanna's birthday.  It's a halloween bash through Arthur Murray.  Nathan's going to join me, so we're going to be late.  We're going to miss the pre-game cocktails, but that's okay because I really don't think I want to drink tonight.  I'm interested to know if Nathan's going to want to dance or not once we get there.  Hope so, that would be very cool.
I may try crossfit again in the morning.  I'm interested to know if their open house workout is always the same.  Or maybe yoga?  Don't know yet.  Last week I went to yoga and it was the one day that that particular instructor has ever cancelled.  Figures.  A sign?  Who knows....

The Truth

The Devil

I will not lie to you readers, on Saturday night I was completely unable to have just one glass of wine.  If you're trying not to drink, don't volunteer at a community event as a wine pourer.  Don't get me wrong, it was a blast.  Our costumes rocked and there was some really tasty food.  I did my best to stick to the meats, but I know that the sauces were full of everything that makes me bloated.  I'm sure there was sugar in there.  That's why I couldn't stop.  I kept going back for more- not for the turkey with no sauce, but for the meatballs and mushrooms drenched in some kind of manufactured bliss.  It was really difficult to stay away from it.  I did try some of the cheeses, I thought they would be higher quality, but they weren't.  So long story short, a good time was had, wine was drunk, meatballs were gorged upon and then I barfed all over my shower because I was too drunk to aim for the toilet.  Poor Nathan probably had a good reason to divorce me that night, it was really not pretty.
The good news:  eating healthy reduces the hangover effect.  I'm sure of it.  Normally my Sunday would have been nothing but groaning and wishing I could fall back asleep.  I wouldn't have moved from couch if I could have gotten myself there.  Not this time.  I woke up at 6:15am, cleaned out the showers- yes showers, I puked in both of them, did some dishes, caught up on this season of Fringe, and then sewed myself a dress.  I walked the dogs a few times.  I could see how the bad eating on Saturday night wanted to suck me back into the horrible cycle of empty carbs.  I woke up, considered what to eat and had a fried banana and eggs.  Doesn't sound delicious, but it was.  A cup of black coffee and some water did me for a few hours.  Then I took a quick nap and Nathan ordered a pizza and wings while I was down.  I had some of the thin crust pizza and then I had more... and I realized what was happening.  I was being sucked into the vortex of a bad eating frenzy.  Even after recognizing it I still had another piece of pizza later that evening and a few tastes of Nathan's Ben and Jerry's ice cream.  But, I didn't shame myself or beat myself over the head with guilt.  Instead I threw down some paleo-friendly snacks and food in between.  I had purple grapes, almonds, raisins and walnuts in no particular order.  For dinner I ate a huge steak and nothing else.  After I tasted Nathan's ice cream I had a bite of my 90% cacao bar and that satisfied the buds.
Like I said, this challenge is about really exploring how to make this a lifestyle change.  I don't think I was 100% effective this weekend, but I can use this as a learning experience.  Next time I am faced with a pizza I'm thinking I should take a piece and bring over a whole bunch of healthy snack to eat with it.  I know it sounds like I ate a whole bunch this weekend, and I did, but it could have been (and has been previously) much worse.  I was able to slow the demons and then halt them after a while.  Good business.  This morning I woke up feeling pretty great, walked the doggies and had eggs with ochra of all things.  (It was on sale at Safeway and is actually really good.)
This week I'm going to be pretty strict, especially as I get closer to heading home.  I want to be at my best.  I'm already feeling and looking really good.  Peace y'all.