I'm a quitter.

I’m a quitter.

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted here.  I think from now on, if I post, it probably won’t be often.  My life as it is currently isn’t going to be as interesting to anyone who found previous posts interesting.  There will be no more posts about losing weight, since I stopped weighing myself over a year ago.  There will be no more dieting posts, or counting calories posts, since I quit dieting a year ago as well.  The truth is, I decided to take my health and my life, much more seriously.

Did I post when I was counting calories and losing weight for my wedding that I also was losing my hair?  That was the first sign to me that something needed to change.  My hair was never exactly full, but it had never fallen out before.  At that point in my life, I thought I was so healthy.  I was running several miles almost every day of the week, I was restricting my calories to about 1200 a day, I was consuming low-fat, low-calorie foods.  I was making sure to eat breakfast, the most important meal of the day, and I was eating 6 small servings instead of 3 big ones.  I had tons of recipes on how to make chicken breast taste good without adding any calories or fat.  I had a drawer full of low-calorie snack bars to take with me just in case I was starving.  

I had headaches all of the time.  I blamed it on the sun, on too much coffee, on too little coffee, on job stress.  I wasn’t sleeping very well.  Almost every day, driving home from work, my stomach would hurt, it would be pressing against my pants.  I felt gassy and bloated, even though by the time I was driving home I had probably only eaten 700 calories.  

Worst of all, I was depressed and anxious.  I was worried about my job, money, my husband, my dog, my family back home.  So I cried a lot.  

Funny, I didn’t sit down to list all of these side effects.  I was just going to say that my hair was falling out, and I’ve made changes to my life in response, but then I started to remember the rest.  Healthiest in my life?  Nah.  I was skinny.  That’s about it.

Is it any wonder that nobody wants to “eat healthy?”

You may have read in previous blogs about how doing a whole30 challenge changed my life.  Very briefly, it is a 30 day challenge in which you remove from your diet a bunch of different types of foods.  I had accepted just because it was a challenge, and hell, I can do anything for 30 days.  I am glad I just accepted because I didn’t read about it first.  If I had, I would have declined.  It sounded so unhealthy.  Some of the rules made sense, like cutting out sugar (I could see how sugar can make you unhealthy), but among the “healthy” foods that I would be cutting out of my diet included: peanut butter, whole grains (all grains!), oatmeal, quinoa, milk and cheese, beans, corn, peas, soy,  anything processed and sugar substitutes.  The first question that everybody asks is “what can you eat?”

Turns out that there is a lot of food out there.  There is a lot of healthy food that I had to find.  I had to fight some major misconceptions and beliefs that I held about food.   

Here’s just a few:

• “Fat is bad!” Truth: There are good fats and I was probably starving my brain by avoiding all of them.  I began adding them to my life.  Avocado, coconut oil, olive oil, nuts, fat from pastured beef, chicken and pork.
• “You need to drink milk for the Calcium!” Truth: You get a ton of calcium from vegetables.  Most people just don’t eat enough of them.  But you certainly don’t need to drink milk if you are going to be eating your leafy greens.
• “You should replace most of your food with “healthier” versions like low-fat mayonaisse and sugar and calorie-free cookies and “lean cuisines.”  Truth: The real thing is going to kill you a lot slower than the low-calorie versions.  What the hell is even in a sugar-free, low-calorie cookie?  I am astounded now when I read labels.  If you do nothing else, start reading labels.  And if you’re going to eat a cookie, eat a real cookie.  With flour and sugar and salt and stuff not laboratory created.  That low-fat cracker is poison.
• “A calorie is a calorie.”  Doesn’t matter if it comes from a banana or from the sole of your shoe, they are the same thing.  How do we even allow ourselves to believe this?  Do we really believe that our body digests and uses a brownie exactly the same as it uses broccoli?  I mean, we are not stupid.  If you give a child a helicopter puzzle and tell them to create a giraffe out of it, they will look at you (rightly) like you are crazy.  Why then are we asking our bodies to do the very same thing?  Take that sugar and flour and make lean muscle mass and create blood and fat and all of the vitamins and minerals that your eyes and ears and brain need.  Try to make it out of that lean cuisine.  Try to make it out of that diet soda.  

These are just a few.  I’m sure you can find a better list somewhere else, these were the big ones for me.  

And so, I gradually became a quitter.  For 30 days I got rid of soy, alcohol, dairy, grains, sugar, processed foods and felt awesome.  After the challenge I inevitably added most of that back, because factory processed foods is so delicious.  I wasn’t ready to say no when offered donuts.  I went through several phases of guilt-ridden “binges” where I ate tons of crappy food and felt bad about it, then went back to “healthy” eating.  I didn’t realize quite yet that I was dealing with addictions, not motivation problems.  I didn’t realize that every time I quit alcohol or bread it was practice for the next time.  I made many, many mistakes.  Then in December 2013, this last year I was drinking a lot.  Maybe not very much compared to other people, but for me, it was a lot.  My husband had quit drinking years ago when his mother got a liver transplant and he never went back.  So I was drinking by myself.  And not just a glass of wine to relieve the stress or offer my heart some healthy resveratrol, but a couple of glasses.  Or a couple of tequila or gin drinks.  By myself.  And then, there I would be at 8pm.  Drunk.  Watching tv or playing on the computer.  I didn’t want to live that way, I didn’t like it.  I was going to quit drinking for the New Year.  I asked myself if I was ready.  The surprising answer was “no.”  So I listened to myself.  I decided I would wait until it actually felt right.

On January 4th it did.  I stopped drinking.  It was strange.  I’ve quit drinking many times in the last couple of years.  It might not have the same effect on you, but I easily get hangovers, and when I’m drinking I eat tons of crap.  It makes me feel bloated and nauseous and tired.  I don’t sleep well.  In fact, after drinking I would fall asleep fast, but wake up at 3am in a feverish sweat.  With the air conditioner on I would be so freaking hot.  For all of these reasons I quit.

And this time, I was ready.  I can honestly say I don’t want to drink anymore.  That’s not to say that someday something will change that, I don’t know, my life has changed so many times.  This is right for me right now.  

This blog is about the things I’ve quit.  

• I’ve quit soy (that was easy, except for soy sauce.)
• I’ve quit drinking alcohol.
• I’ve quit running or doing any distance cardio (paddling, jogging, bike rides).  Your body might be able to.  Mine was screaming for me to stop.
• I’ve quit sugar substitutes.  Which, I figured out later, was the reason for my headaches.
• I’ve quit peanut butter.
• I’ve quit weighing myself.  I seriously have no idea what I weigh right now, and it is immensely freeing.
• I’ve quit judging myself by the size of my waist.  It might sound conceited, but I am a good-looking lady.  It’s stupid to spend my time shaming myself about some muffin top over my usual jeans when my stomach is in a bigger phase.  You know who cares about that?  No one.  Or stupid, judgmental people.  They are not my friends anyway.  Why was I trying to impress them in the first place?
• I’ve quit eating meat and eggs from unethical sources.  I’m doing my best with this one.  I’m sure there’s someone out there who thinks they know my body better than me and will tell me I can live without meat.  Sure.  If I want to feel sick all of the time.  I’ve tried it.  So I have pledged to get my meat from local farms, the farmer’s market or Whole Foods, which, at least out here, tells you where it’s sourced from.  I can’t pretend like I don’t know what’s going on at mass producing CAFO farms.  I can’t unsee the images.

On my list to quit for good:

• Bread.  (Including cookies, donuts, all flour) Turns out that this is way harder than quitting drinking.  If you tell someone that you’ve quit drinking, I think they assume you have some kind of alcoholism that has destroyed some part of your life, so they don’t bother you too much.  But if you turn down a donut or a cookie, it’s like you’ve slapped them right across the face.  The reactions that you get from people are astounding.  “Just one, it won’t hurt you, but it’s so good!”  I have literally had to lie to people at work and tell them that I am grain and dairy intolerant.  I have to tell them that I am allergic and that it will make me sick.  Even though I’ve just told them that it will make me sick or possibly kill me, they will continue to offer.  Or they will give me this sad look that says how sorry they are for me.  Quitting bread is HARD.
• Dairy.  It’s on my list, but not high priority right now.  My biggest problem is that it gives me acne on my chest.  It’s annoying, but so far not annoying enough that I have stopped.  Some day, maybe.
• Judging myself for eating bread and dairy.  Nobody is perfect.  I am still stuck in the cycle of shame that comes every time I “break down” and eat bread of some kind of fried food.  I’m working on it.

And to those people who say “everything in moderation,” screw that.  I don’t enjoy hangovers in moderation.  I don’t like headaches in moderation.  I don’t want to feel bloated and gassy or depressed or anxious in moderation.  I would still prefer to eat a cookie if I want a cookie, but that doesn’t mean my long-term goal isn’t to quit.  I know that I’m not ready yet.  Some day I hope to be. This blog isn’t about you.  However you want to eat or drink or exercise to be healthy!  Awesome! Doing something, anything is better than nothing.  I have just moved past wanting to be skinny.  I don’t want to be skinny and unhealthy.  I want to be curvy and clear-headed and happy.

Is there anything in life you would like to quit? Share your story here!

Crossfit Oahu Nutrition Challenge

Left side: 2006, Top 3: April 2012- pre-challenge, Bottom 3: May 2012- post-challenge

So I realize I haven't blogged in a really long time.  Work got really stressful and I was just trying to enjoy all my other time.  Since I last blogged Anna left and that is really, really sad.  While she was here I did so much fun stuff.  I had more fun packed into a couple of months this year than I've had in years.  She convinced me to do a lot of stuff.  It reminded me that life is short and you only live once.  Just some of the stuff we did:  Hiked everywhere, searched for squatch, wore lots of knee socks, crossed lots of fit, did tons of pullups, started our own crossfittish supplemental workouts, ran with a slosh tube, lay on the beach, frolicked everywhere, parkoured, ran a Swamp Romp and a Warrior Dash, drank Guinness, dance, almost hiked the stairway to heaven, got my nose pierced and some of us got tattooed.  There was tons of laughs and late night talks.  I'm suprised we never fought.  And I know there's tons of stuff that I left off of this short list.  It was pretty amazing.  Around the time Anna was leaving I started the Crossfit Oahu Nutrition Challenge.  Normally I don't like to pay money for things, because I'm a cheap ass, but I knew this would be worth it.  I paid 75 bucks to be weighed in and have my body fat tested with a very cool ultrasoundish machine.  We got great advice and feedback from our challenge host, Courtney Johnson.  She also created an amazing spreadsheet that allows you to track points you get for eating at the level you chose, for sleeping enough and for working out.  I know I work with kids and star charts every day, but I'm still amazed at how motivated I was and still am by earning points.  It helped me make hard decisions several times.  I was like, I could eat that, but I'll lose 5 points!  It turns out I'm quite the points whore.  And it wasn't even a challenge where the person with the most points wins.  Each point is a chance to win the pot of money at the end. Either way, I was very motivated.
The other cool thing about the challenge is that it gave me a new way to look at food.  Instead of "that's not on the list of allowable foods" that you get with most diets, lifestyles, ways of eating, whatever.  Instead it was, here is your priority list.  On the bottom of the list is the junkiest, most bad for you foods and as the levels increased your eating got healthier and healthier.  I decided not to cut out sweet potatoes and squash, so I was at a level 7.  I could have tried to be more strict, but I wanted to spend the 45 days getting into eating habits that I could follow for life.  Every time I went shopping and considered a meal, I didn't "have" to eliminate anything.  I just chose how healthy I wanted to be at the time.
It was a very succesful challenge for me.  I wasn't eating all that great before the challenge, but my poor eating is still pretty healthy by the Standard American Diet's standards.  Throughout the challenge I lost 13 pounds, and 4 inches off of my waist.  Pretty awesome in 45 days.  Especially since eating paleo, I'm never super hungry.  I never get the high/low blood sugar spikes.  I don't feel like I have to limit how much I eat.  I love the food.  And it makes me feel really strong.  Just saying for all the people who think cutting out grains is hard, well, yeah, it's hard because eating grains is a habit.  It's what we're used to.  But if people didn't try to shove grains in my face all the time, I wouldn't miss them.  The hardest time I have is when well-meaning people make me feel like I don't appreciate them because I won't eat their damn cookies or bread.  I'm amazed how offended people are when I won't taste their food.  But that's another story.
So that's what I've been up to.  Living life, hard.

Busy!

Used these for my pull-ups

So I have been incredibly busy for a while and then last week I kind of shut down a bit.  Work has not given me much breathing room, so I've been going non-stop during the day.  It's been a lot of fun having Anna around, because I've been super active on the days that I'm not working and even sometimes on the days that I am.  Crossfit has been awesome.  I really like the coaches so far, each one has their own style and has different kinds of workouts.  They aren't kidding when they say "Our Warmup is Your Workout."  The warm-up for yesterday's workout was finding the max weight you could lift with a back squat.  I started off way too low, not knowing what I was capable of and ended up doing a ton of reps before I found what was really difficult.  Then we did pushups, pullups and squats to make sure we had the proper form before we even started our workout.  Which was a 25-20-15-10-5 for form instead of time.  So you do 25 pullups with whatever modification you need, in proper form.  If it's not good form it doesn't count.  Then 25 pushups, then 25 squats.  Then 20 pullups, pushups and squats.  Then 15 pullups, pushups and squats and so on and so forth.  I liked this workout, since it was a change from the usual beat the clock.  I wasn't racing anyone or competing with anyone.  I took as much time as I needed in between reps to make sure my next pullup was going to be a good one.  And if I performed badly I took a couple of seconds to recoup and redo.  It took around 20 minutes.  I like that you learn alot about what you are capable of and what you need to work on.  I find myself getting stronger very quickly.  As Keysa, Anna and I agreed yesterday, it also doesn't hurt to have such eye candy available during your workouts.  Co-ed workouts are great, just sayin'.
As for the paleo challenge, yesterday was technically my last day.  Over the weekend though, I had kind of a depression breakdown, I didn't want to do anything and I just had this strong craving for something and I couldn't figure out what it was.  On Sunday Nathan wanted Zippy's and I got dinner there.  Of course, it was not paleo in the least.  There is no paleo at Zippy's.  It was an interesting experiment.  I had some french fries, and that did not satisfy the craving.  I had some of a bear claw and that did not satisfy the craving.  I am glad that I did the experiment as a "cheat" during my challenge.  It turns out that all of those snacks that I would seek out to satisfy that craving, didn't satisfy at all.  So I stopped eating them.  Back to better eating on Monday.  I did this challenge in my own way without guilt, so like I said in earlier posts, it was not a perfect "whole30."  I didn't follow all of the rules, I just closely based my eating habits on it.
So in review for this challenge:
I was not a stickler about cheese.  I didn't actively put cheese on my food, but several times we went out to dinner and invariably there would be cheese on the salad.  I would flick some off, but eat the rest.  Dairy has not been a huge issue for me, so I didn't go totally crazy about keeping it off my food.  I did not, however, drink milk or have yogurt or kefir.  I think I'm going to add back kefir at times now that I'm done with the challenge.
I kept bread out totally.  This is the main one that I want to keep doing.  With every other food in the world I seem to be able to regulate.  Bread is my kryptonite.  As for the rest of grains, I'll leave out rice for the most part, noodles totally.  Other grains like quinoa, granola, oatmeal- in moderation as a special treat.  Definitely not a daily addition.
Soy I'm done with.  I was never a fan of it in the first place, so there's no reason for me to reintroduce.  I will not be an asshole if someone offers me something to eat if it is soy based, but I'm definitely going to steer clear if I'm not making anyone uncomfortable.
Sugar- I'm going to do my best to stick to high percentage cacao as a replacement for sugary desserts.  Bananas, other fruit and coconut milk are great replacements as well.  There are going to be times that I will be offered sugary treats.  I am going to turn them down as a general rule.  There may be times like this weekend where I may need some chocolate.  Again, I'm going to do my best to use the better options and steer clear of things like snickers or peanut butter cups.
Alcohol.  This was hard for me during the challenge, which tells me something about my relationship with alcohol.  It's something for me to think about for sure.  A glass of wine with dinner or after is no big deal, but I need to get clear about what the strong cravings were about.  I need to get better at coping with boredom or loneliness/sadness with something other than food/drink.  I was surprised that there were times that I almost panicked.  I wrote about the day I gave in and had tequila with coconut water.  It was obvious once I had some that it was not the cure-all I had been looking for.  I never did figure out why I wanted some so badly.  Then last night I had wine- a few glasses with Anna and Keysa.  On the drive to take Keysa home I actually felt naseous.  Obviously had too much.  So I'm gonna keep an eye on this one.  I will continue to report because this is my freaking blog and I can do what I want.

I Discovered My Limit

Because Anna and I put off our Whole 30 paleo challenge until New Years, I have been eating horribly.  I have been choosing to stuff my face with anything that might possible be considered delicious.  Cookies, beer, chocolate, donuts, french fries, hamburgers, won tons, you name it.  Yesterday I woke up feeling like crap (surprise!).  I went to work and ate my breakfast a little late, my eggs with bacon.  Then probably an hour later I was bored so I ate the leftover half Kim Chee Burger from Big City Diner.  Then I ate the banana I brought.  Then I had the piece of candy that was in my lunch box.  At about 11:30 I got the reminder text that we were having a work meeting at the Golden Lion Chinese Restaurant at 12:30, which I had totally forgotten about.  So I left the school to meet my coworkers and have my second lunch.  I ate a whole bunch of Won Ton Mein.  I saved some of it for later, but ate that immediately upon my return home.  Then I had some chocolate.  And some more chocolate.

Second Lunch Eaten Here

This is how I felt

Luckily I had planned on going to Crossfit at 7pm, so that gave me a reason to stop stuffing my face.  I made some meat and rice stirfry for Nathan and then Keysa and I walked to the box.  My stomach hurt sooo bad.  I told her that I think I had reached my actual physical limit for food consumption and that any more and I might have exploded.  It effected how I worked out.  It made me slow and uncoordinated due to the discomfort.  So I decided last night that I will not be eating like that anymore.  It was truly awful.  I'm not sure exactly why I felt the need to eat so much.  It's strange. 

Paleo Challenge Fail

Glorious Beach Walking Weather

Beer

Donuts

Anna and I got home from our beach walk and there was a shit ton of beer in there. Nathan says, "you can drink when you're paleo, right?" Oh boy. I told Anna that we would have to start the challenge later. She was so freaking excited. She went straight for the donuts. Hilarious.

A Wedding, A Baby and a Bonfire Part IV, The End!

Rope Climbing at Crossfit

Day 8, Crossfit and a Baby!  Woke up early next to my BFF Jen Stack and went to get some eggs at the local diner.  Then we dressed up, grabbed Anna and headed off to Crossfit for another round.  This time we did squats, pullups, and pushups AMRAP until the time ran out.  It felt pretty good.

Eating Deli Sandwich on the Road 

Akiva Teaching me about Coffee

Elisheva

Anna and I headed back to Saugerties and packed our stuff as fast as we could so we could be out of the house before Mom came home.  It's just true.  We threw shit in our bags and ran to the car.  We stopped off at Price Chopper to get some deli meat and bread, made sandwiches on the trunk of the car and headed off to Boston.  It wasn't a long drive, but I started to fall asleep while I was driving and we switched off.  Anna took the controls and we swooped in on our nephews and our new niece!  It was so great to see Akiva and Asher, I usually only get to skype with them and it's just not the same.  We gave them their gifts and set off to the playroom to play.  Angela alternately fed and held Elisheva, since that's all she was capable of at that point.  Little 3 day old babies don't do much but eat, sleep and poop.  The boys were adorably excited about the baby and kept reaching out to stroke her cheek or pat her side.  Akiva and I played catch for a while and then we sat down to dinner.  Just simple spaghetti and meatballs family style.  Then the boys and I did some burpees.  The video should be posted in my list of links on the side.  It's super cute.  We played some more games and went to bed.

Awesome Game

Go Fish

Day 9, play, play, play.  Akiva woke Anna and I up super, duper early and since Anna wanted to sleep in Akiva offered to teach me how to make coffee.  Of course I accepted.  This kid is smart.  He walked me through the whole process.  The only thing he didn't know was how many cups of water to put into the coffee maker.  He's awesome.  We got the boys ready for school after some quick games and sent them off.  Anna and I read, slept and then hung out with Ang and Ben for a while until we could pick the boys up from school to play more games.  Since you probably don't care about the nitty gritty of the games, I'll just say that we played the most awesome games of Hungry, Hungry Hippo and War or something.  The boys are hilarious and adorable.   We took turns holding the baby and talking with Ang and playing games and so on and so forth.  Ate, went to bed. 

Cereal and Checkers

Mad Puzzles

Day 10, made a Moby Wrap.  Akiva woke us up super early again and we played a quick game of Checkers while he ate his breakfast and set off for school.  Asher doesn't go to school on Fridays.  Anna, Asher and I put together mad puzzles, and Anna and I took turns cleaning the playroom.  When Ang got home we headed to the closest fabric store, who lied to us about having regular old cotton fabric.  They were a upholstery store.  So we got some heavy cotton fabric, headed home and I whipped up a Moby Wrap.  We tied it onto Anna to practice and then stuck the baby in with Angela.  I hope she gets some use out of it, but I'll probably make another one with lighter fabric for her.  Anna and I planned on leaving for Saugerties around noon, but instead waited around to pick up Akiva from school.  He was really excited that we were still around.  We played a few more games.  Asher helped Anna and I pack and we played the best game of hide and seek ever.  Asher told us to hide and started counting.  Then he hid too.  Anna and I just busted out laughing because he wouldn't come find us, he just wanted all of us to hide.  We would have been there forever if we hadn't been able to talk him into finding us.  Again, love that kid.

Beginning Bonfire

So we said our goodbyes, and packed into the car for the drive.  On the way Andrew called and said he was heading to Saugerties too, so we made plans to meet at Sue's where the Kovaks always get together on Friday nights.  When Anna and I got home, Mom gave me the finger (now nicknamed pulling a Pauline) and Anna and I took off to Sue's.  We hung out with Andrew and friends and finally headed home around midnight.

Bonfire!!

Day 11, Bonfire.  We woke up early and started rolling logs.  Had to finish up the firepit to prepare for the night's festivities.  It's hard to describe, but I put some other videos up of us log rolling.  It was a hell of a lot of work.  Andrew fixed the bonfire so it would actually light on fire, we stacked wood to throw on as the night went on, we collected hot dog roasting sticks, we hit Price Chopper and bought all kinds of snacks.  Andrew put together a potato casserole to be cooked later in the night as well as some chicken to throw on the fire.  We drank Guiness and got ready.  At around 5:30 the fire was lit.  This was the biggest fire I've ever seen at the Sullivan's.  It was ginormous.  The video hardly does it justice, but the link will be up all the same.  From then on friends continued to roll up, the keg was tapped, hot dogs and marshmallows were roasted.  Mary McGinn, Jen Stack, Mary Jankowski, and Becca Hoppsen showed up and that's all that really matters.  Also present were several of Anna's friends and Andrew's girlfriend Emily, who is very nice.  We partied as long as we could keep our eyes open and headed off to bed smelling like a firepit.  I stripped off the outer most layer of my clothes and curled up in my bonfire gear.  I actually looked at all of my pictures and watched the bonfire lighting video before I went to sleep.

Andrew in the Bear Cave

Andrew at Opus 40

Day 12, Opus 40.  We woke up to prepare bagels and scrambled eggs.  Mom and I headed off to Mass at some church in Saugerties.  When we got home we cleaned up the bonfire area, watched some Hawaii 5-0 and prepared for a trek to Opus 40, this amazing architectural landscape that some guy built by hand over the course of 37 years.  It is a quick walk through the woods from our parents house.  We used to go there all the time when we were kids.  On a hot day the cool air that comes from the quarry rocks feels amazing.  On a day like this Sunday, it was very peaceful, and a little sad.  On the way there Andrew showed Emily the "Bear Cave" that he and his best buddy Ken made when they were in 6th grade.

Andrew at Opus 40

When we got home it was really sad because Mom had made all of these plans for me while I was home and we didn't get to any of them.  True, we could have gotten one or two things done if she hadn't been actively ignoring me most of my vacation, but you can never get all of the things you plan in on these crazy East Coast ventures.  We said our goodbyes, had some coffee and jumped into Vandalf, first to return the keg, then to sleep at Andrew's place since it was closer to the Newark airport than Saugerties.  We hit up the Zombie Hut for the Giants game and then we hunkered down for the night at Andrew's apartment.  We ordered ourselves a car to drive us to the airport at the buttcrack of dawn and passed out for a few hours.

A Wedding, A Baby and a Bonfire Part I

Where to even start?  I have been off on the East Coast for the past two weeks.  I returned on Monday evening with a slight cold and extreme exhaustion.  My travels were freaking awesome.  I don't know if I have the energy to write about it all today.  Let's get it started.
Day 1, fly out and sleep on the plane.

Aunt Nancy and Mamasita Sullivan

A White Dog

Rows of Trees Fallen Together

Day 2, land in Newark Airport, New Jersey.  My aunt Nancy picked me up from the airport at 11am Eastern Time and we started driving North where I would meet my mom.  The plan was for mi madre to take me the rest of the way after some lunch.  The drive up was good, Aunt Nancy was excited to hang out and we did some deep spiritual talking.  I was surprised how open minded she was.  It was a great start to the trip.  We met my Mom at some rest stop and Aunt Nancy pulled out the baked chicken, tomatoes, celery and baby carrots for lunch.  She had even looked up Paleo and did her best to make something I could eat.  So cute!  We had that and a banana cream pie to celebrate my mother's birthday that day.  A really mellow celebration.  We said farewell to Aunt Nancy and headed North again.  The drive with Mom was good, we listened to some Phantom of the Opera and talked all the way to the house.  We walked around our property and she showed me the damage from Hurricane Irene.  Lots of trees were down, in really creepy patterns all across the woods.

Your Roots are Showing!

Hurricane Irene did some crazy damage.  Even the Hammock tree went down.  Luckily nothing hit my parent's house.  That would have been awful.  On the positive side, Hurricane Irene gave us plenty of wood to build a new bonfire area, complete with bench seating.  We also had plenty of hot dog roasting sticks and logs to throw on the fire.

Day 3, I took a walk while Mom and Dad were at work.  I got up early to  tool around the neighborhood since I haven't been there in so long.  Last time I was in the area I had no time to myself, so I relished the alone time.  I walked to the field next to our property, then walked down Mrs Franks road to check out the area that I spent most of my time in the mornings waiting for the school bus.  It was great to be there.  I also had an AHA moment when I realized that the small stream that travels under Franks Road is the one that appears in my dreams sometimes.  Interesting.  I continued walking left on Phillips towards the Cow Lady.  I was a little worried that she might still have goats and that I would have to run to avoid their nasty bites.  (Not that I ever got bit, but they were gross and I'm sure they would tear out my flesh if they got their teeth on me.)  No goats or cows at the Cow Lady's place.  In fact, I think the Cow Lady is no longer at the Cow Lady's.  A moment later Anna and Alec arrived in Anna's car and I jumped in the back for a ride home.  There we packed, tried on dresses and waited for Dad to arrive.  When he did we stuffed the car and headed for Philly.  I texted my Mom to let her know our locale and mentally moved on to my next activity: Project Wedding.

Anna in the Window Sleeper at the Microtel

We got to our hotel, which sadly I have no pictures of.  It was a Microtel.  It had two huge beds and mirrors all over the place.  A bit creepy, but all we needed was a place to rest our domes after the drinking and dancing that was about to ensue.  So we checked in, put on our rehearsal dinner gear and headed off again, this time to Arin's neighbor's, the Foley's home. This is where the rehearsal dinner party was happening, apparently there was also some actual rehearsing happening at the venue.  Arin and Andrea came later.  I have to say that Arin's friends are pretty awesome.  She has built quite the family.  I'm glad that she has surrounded herself with a group of people that cares so much about her.  

We quit that party around 11pm and headed back to the Microtel for our beauty sleep.

Day 4, Wedding.  I'm gonna save this post for later, cause there's way too much to write at this present moment.  Maybe later tonight.  So far, 4 days in and sooo much fun was had!

The Truth

The Devil

I will not lie to you readers, on Saturday night I was completely unable to have just one glass of wine.  If you're trying not to drink, don't volunteer at a community event as a wine pourer.  Don't get me wrong, it was a blast.  Our costumes rocked and there was some really tasty food.  I did my best to stick to the meats, but I know that the sauces were full of everything that makes me bloated.  I'm sure there was sugar in there.  That's why I couldn't stop.  I kept going back for more- not for the turkey with no sauce, but for the meatballs and mushrooms drenched in some kind of manufactured bliss.  It was really difficult to stay away from it.  I did try some of the cheeses, I thought they would be higher quality, but they weren't.  So long story short, a good time was had, wine was drunk, meatballs were gorged upon and then I barfed all over my shower because I was too drunk to aim for the toilet.  Poor Nathan probably had a good reason to divorce me that night, it was really not pretty.
The good news:  eating healthy reduces the hangover effect.  I'm sure of it.  Normally my Sunday would have been nothing but groaning and wishing I could fall back asleep.  I wouldn't have moved from couch if I could have gotten myself there.  Not this time.  I woke up at 6:15am, cleaned out the showers- yes showers, I puked in both of them, did some dishes, caught up on this season of Fringe, and then sewed myself a dress.  I walked the dogs a few times.  I could see how the bad eating on Saturday night wanted to suck me back into the horrible cycle of empty carbs.  I woke up, considered what to eat and had a fried banana and eggs.  Doesn't sound delicious, but it was.  A cup of black coffee and some water did me for a few hours.  Then I took a quick nap and Nathan ordered a pizza and wings while I was down.  I had some of the thin crust pizza and then I had more... and I realized what was happening.  I was being sucked into the vortex of a bad eating frenzy.  Even after recognizing it I still had another piece of pizza later that evening and a few tastes of Nathan's Ben and Jerry's ice cream.  But, I didn't shame myself or beat myself over the head with guilt.  Instead I threw down some paleo-friendly snacks and food in between.  I had purple grapes, almonds, raisins and walnuts in no particular order.  For dinner I ate a huge steak and nothing else.  After I tasted Nathan's ice cream I had a bite of my 90% cacao bar and that satisfied the buds.
Like I said, this challenge is about really exploring how to make this a lifestyle change.  I don't think I was 100% effective this weekend, but I can use this as a learning experience.  Next time I am faced with a pizza I'm thinking I should take a piece and bring over a whole bunch of healthy snack to eat with it.  I know it sounds like I ate a whole bunch this weekend, and I did, but it could have been (and has been previously) much worse.  I was able to slow the demons and then halt them after a while.  Good business.  This morning I woke up feeling pretty great, walked the doggies and had eggs with ochra of all things.  (It was on sale at Safeway and is actually really good.)
This week I'm going to be pretty strict, especially as I get closer to heading home.  I want to be at my best.  I'm already feeling and looking really good.  Peace y'all.

Da Da Duh! It has begun!

From laxcrossfit.com

Hello all, today begins my 30 day paleo/primal challenge.  I did one serious paleo challenge in January and I never felt better.  I hesitate to call it a "diet" although that technically is what it is.  However, it is simply a direction for you to turn to eat healthy.  There are no gimmicks involved like, drink this or take that and you'll drop weight.  You don't count calories, you don't starve yourself.  You don't over eat one food type.  It is a kind of healthy eating that for the most part makes complete and total common sense.  Main goal of paleo- eat lots of veggies, meats, nuts and fruits.  Don't eat processed food or sugar.  The part that is hard for people is the dairy, the legumes, the grains and the soy.  Well, and alcohol, but as much as we all love alcohol, it does make complete and total sense that not drinking will help you lose weight.  I think for me, this healthy way of eating rocks because: I love meat, I love vegetables, I love nuts, I love fruit.  I love cooking for myself, so the processed thing isn't hard.  Difficult for me: finding condiments with no added sugar.  It is fucking ridiculous what things have added sugar in them.  Like I said, I love cooking, but do I really want to have to make any sauce I add?  NO.  But there are very limited options.  Even bacon, people.  Bacon has sugar.  The grains part of the challenge is the hardest part.  Not because I can't cook without adding grains and that my meals aren't absolutely fantastic without grains, but because I really love bread.  It's the yeasty smell and the texture.  Bread has brought me down again and again this year when I'm not on a strict challenge.  The alcohol and ice cream were hard for me a couple of times, but it truly is the bread.
The breakdown in healthy eating usually goes like this for me: I have a glass of wine/beer/gin and tonic.  I drink too much of it.  I feel like a need a  piece of toast (which my brain is convinced in it's alcohol addled state is the only thing that will make my stomach feel better).  I realize I have eaten what I know to be food that makes me feel bad.  I think to myself, well I'm already going to feel like shit tomorrow, I might as well have some ice cream.  With chocolate syrup on top.  And a cookie.  And a chocolate bar.  Seriously, this is a story I've lived through many times before.  So, I'm going full strict paleo again this month.

This morning for breakfast I had 3 eggs with some coconut cream and salsa.  Delicious.  I have been drinking my coffee black since January and surprisingly, I love it that way.  Later today I'm gonna have some london broil stir fried with veggies, no need for rice or noodles.  I have almonds, baby carrots and pickled cucumbers on hand for snacking.  I am not sure what lunch will be yet, but it will either be tuna or roast beef from the deli.  I love adding salsa, coconut milk, coconut cream or eggs to everything.

The best part about this diet for me?  It truly feels like how I am meant to eat.  I feel like I am feeding myself well.  I don't feel hungry often and when I do, I just eat.  There will be times that I am busy at work and I don't get a chance to sit down for lunch and I work straight through without snacks or anything.  And I don't get that sick, low blood sugar feeling.  At some point I just start feeling hungry and I'm like, oh yeah, I should eat and I do.  I don't feel like I am starving or over full.  I don't feel deprived of all of those things that are off the list.  When you read the research- and I'll link to a few sites at the bottom where you can- it makes me feel like I'm treating my body with respect and fueling up for whatever crazy adventure is in store for me in the future.

Feel free to join me, you don't have to go paleo, although I do highly recommend it.  But there are people who do really well eating rice and gluten-free or eating oatmeal and soy.  If you are that type of person and want to join me doing a 30 day challenge of whatever healthy eating means for you, do it!  Comment here!

Links for paleo/primal that I love:
Mark Sisson- marksdailyapple.com
Robb Wolf- robbwolf.com
The Whole30, Version 4.0- http://whole9life.com/2011/06/whole-30-v4/

If I forgot any, please comment and leave the sites below.






Yikes! I posted this and realized that I'm totally going to have to do before and after pictures.  Maybe just of my belly.  I'll put the pics up later.

Rough Start

My Kryptonite

To the right is why my healthy eating kind of started yesterday. I wasn't hungry for breakfast after all the crap I ate Friday night, but I went the healthiest I could think of for lunch at the Windward Mall- sushi. There wasn't much options there. It kept me full for quite a while, the ahi and avocado, and wasabi did a good job. Then I went to the Windward Ho‘olaule‘a 2011, watched a great hula show and looked at amazing jewelry made by local artists. Joanna had bought some cookies, but I was good I had just a few tastes. Dinner was steak that I pan fried then put in the oven to finish, and corn on the cob to the side. For any of my paleo friends reading this, I am not rushing into the paleo side of things. I have stuff in my fridge that needs to be eaten. I think this hurt me the last couple of times I've declared I'm going to eat healthy because I feel guilty that they're in there. I'm going to phase out the non-paleo foods, starting with carbs. That I can avoid easily, especially because I know Nathan will eat anything I don't, so nothing will go to waste. He went out and got a whole bunch of paleo groceries yesterday for me, which. is. awesome!!! So we have lots of meat, veggies and fruits. Much easier for me this time. He also got himself hot pockets for those times I'm not around making dinner.

So anyway, off track, last night I had salad with the ladies after dinner, but also had some guinness and red wine. I snacked on all paleo goodies until I got home and had that "too much wine" feeling in my stomach, which I swear is only fixed by a piece of toast. I had an English Muffin, felt better and went to bed soon after. This morning I am not going to beat myself up because I made a lot of good choices in there. I think that's important for anyone not doing a challenge with a shit ton of support. If you beat yourself up for any mistake it makes you feel guilty and so many of us make ourselves feel better with all of those foods we were just feeling guilty about eating in the first place... not a very useful cycle. So I'm just starting my day with some eggs with veggies. We'll see how the rest of the day goes. Hopefully it includes some hiking/walking with the hubby and the dogs.

Primal Challenge

So far I've had a crazy year health wise.  I started off 2011 with an awesome Paleo Challenge.  It was an excellent experiment to see what foods are healthiest for me.  I was the most fit I've ever been.  After the challenge I slowly started adding back more and more junk.  It wasn't on purpose, it's just happened over time.   Then, the past two months several of my friends had a lot going on and subsequently I drank a lot of wine, and ate a ton of food that I know makes me feel like shit and makes me gain weight.  I did have a hell of a time though, so there's no regrets.  My current belly is a tribute to the great friend I was being.  Now I must face the fact that, for my own sanity, I cannot continue that lifestyle.  It is not only annoying not to be able to fit into some of my clothing, but I feel my emotions begin to rollercoaster again.  I am pretty comfortable in my body, I was 175 a few years ago, and that was okay, I was 120 earlier this year, that was cool too.  At 140, I know I'm a hot piece of ass, but I am not my healthiest.  The month of October for me is going to be dedicated to getting back in shape and eating better.  I think that means paleo.  I know I've said I'm going to start eating better several times in the past few months, but this time I definitely mean it.  I want to buy a dress for Arin's wedding, and I would like to be able to wear all of the clothes that Anna has packed for me for the visit to the East Coast.  There are so many reasons to eat healthier and workout one more day a week than I currently am.  As I sit here I am mentally memorizing what my gut feels like after eating horribly last night and drinking several guinness, so when the time comes to make a choice, I will remember it and go for the food that is going to make me feel less bloated.  After I post this I'm going to see if there's a way to put a countdown on the blog.  I need a visual reminder of how many days I have left until my Journey to the East.  As of today I have 5 weeks. That's 35 days for those of you who can't do simple math.  To my loyal followers:  Any other places I can stick a countdown that you know of?  There must be an android phone app or perhaps a facebook or google calendar application?  Ideas?

Sidenote: I do love the way life throws fabulous little seeming coincidences at you all the time.  I was just thinking that I would like to add a picture to the blog to brighten it up, picked up my phone because I thought it made a noise (which it didn't), noticed my Tarot card of the day was The Fool!  It's brilliant because The Fool represents new adventures.  I quote from the app "the journey begins fresh, innocent, and full of potential."  Quite an apt card for today.

Emotional Eating

So this topic is not a new one.  Emotional eating.  How does it always sneak up and bite you in the ass right when you think you've got things under control?  It so easily hides itself under the guise of a delicious "cheat" from your usual healthy eating pattern and then oozes into a weekend binge of cookies, bread and beer.  I swear I was eating paleo 4 days ago.  Doing great.  Paleo, really briefly, is eating nuts, fruits, vegetables and meats.  No dairy, added sugar (or HFCS), grains, alcohol, soy, or beans (legumes).  This sounds strict, but is extremely satisfying and delicious.  I love to eat this way because I don't have energy highs and low crashes, I feel full and satisfied all day long, my skin looks better, and my workouts are stronger.  This is an aside, though, back to emotional eating.  Basically, I was eating really healthy a few days ago.  Then I wanted a beer.  I'm a lady who doesn't restrict herself for the sake of restriction.  My whole point of eating healthy is to be healthy.  So when a strong urge kicks in, I indulge.  I believe that you should eat healthy most of the time, but then when you really want that fudge brownie or Guinness, well, by all means, enjoy it.  Don't just enjoy it, savor it.  So I bought some beer.  But, oh, one beer is never enough.  One beer became beer and cookies.  Which became beer, cookies, and 2 more beers.  And then I felt awful the next day.  Welcome, emotional eating.  I think this is why sugar is so addictive.  You enjoy a beer or large portion of cake or cookies, or whatever and then feel like crap the next day for various reasons.  The actual physical effect is pretty strong for me, but there's also the guilt.  Oh, I fell off the wagon again.  I ate too much last night, I was doing so good!  And so on and so forth.  Which for some reason invariably leads to finishing off the six pack the next night.  Because you're not feeling good.  And you want to feel better.  And beer makes you feel better!  And so does chocolate ice cream!  And then the next day you feel like crap, and round and round we go.  Oy vey.  Can't a girl just enjoy a beer? 
Well, I am eating healthy again today and enduring all of the physical setbacks that come with eating crap for 4 days, the bloated belly, the gas (holy moly!) and the headache today when I didn't scarf down any carbs for breakfast.  At least I know now that these side effects are short-term.  I know that by tomorrow's evening workout I will begin to feel healthy again. 
A few things I am going to do to get myself back on track:
I am going to start up my food journal again, I find that when I start to go on a bender, it helps steer me back.  I'm not going to get a new one, I'm just going to pull out the old notebook that I used last time.  I am not going to use it to count calories though, I'm going to document what the feelings and thoughts are that are driving me to want to drink beer and eat high carb stuff. 
I am paying to start TKD officially tomorrow.  That should get me a book and then I can have a fitness goal to work towards.  I am going to work to test for the next belt as soon as I'm ready for it. 
I am going to plan my meals better this paycheck period than I did last time.  Last week was the end of the month and because I hadn't planned out my meals very well, it gave me an easy excuse to resort to what was already in the fridge.
I weighed myself this morning: 132.  That helps give me a goal to work towards.  With TKD I might be able to get down to a healthy 125.  If I feel like I have lost fat and have gained muscle and don't get below 127, I know that's fine too.  127 seems to be where my body rests these days.  I think 125 would be fun to work towards though, only because that would mean some really vigorous workouts in the next few weeks, and I love a vigorous workout.  Maybe I'll do some Insanity with my friends this week or next.