I'm a quitter.

I’m a quitter.

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted here.  I think from now on, if I post, it probably won’t be often.  My life as it is currently isn’t going to be as interesting to anyone who found previous posts interesting.  There will be no more posts about losing weight, since I stopped weighing myself over a year ago.  There will be no more dieting posts, or counting calories posts, since I quit dieting a year ago as well.  The truth is, I decided to take my health and my life, much more seriously.

Did I post when I was counting calories and losing weight for my wedding that I also was losing my hair?  That was the first sign to me that something needed to change.  My hair was never exactly full, but it had never fallen out before.  At that point in my life, I thought I was so healthy.  I was running several miles almost every day of the week, I was restricting my calories to about 1200 a day, I was consuming low-fat, low-calorie foods.  I was making sure to eat breakfast, the most important meal of the day, and I was eating 6 small servings instead of 3 big ones.  I had tons of recipes on how to make chicken breast taste good without adding any calories or fat.  I had a drawer full of low-calorie snack bars to take with me just in case I was starving.  

I had headaches all of the time.  I blamed it on the sun, on too much coffee, on too little coffee, on job stress.  I wasn’t sleeping very well.  Almost every day, driving home from work, my stomach would hurt, it would be pressing against my pants.  I felt gassy and bloated, even though by the time I was driving home I had probably only eaten 700 calories.  

Worst of all, I was depressed and anxious.  I was worried about my job, money, my husband, my dog, my family back home.  So I cried a lot.  

Funny, I didn’t sit down to list all of these side effects.  I was just going to say that my hair was falling out, and I’ve made changes to my life in response, but then I started to remember the rest.  Healthiest in my life?  Nah.  I was skinny.  That’s about it.

Is it any wonder that nobody wants to “eat healthy?”

You may have read in previous blogs about how doing a whole30 challenge changed my life.  Very briefly, it is a 30 day challenge in which you remove from your diet a bunch of different types of foods.  I had accepted just because it was a challenge, and hell, I can do anything for 30 days.  I am glad I just accepted because I didn’t read about it first.  If I had, I would have declined.  It sounded so unhealthy.  Some of the rules made sense, like cutting out sugar (I could see how sugar can make you unhealthy), but among the “healthy” foods that I would be cutting out of my diet included: peanut butter, whole grains (all grains!), oatmeal, quinoa, milk and cheese, beans, corn, peas, soy,  anything processed and sugar substitutes.  The first question that everybody asks is “what can you eat?”

Turns out that there is a lot of food out there.  There is a lot of healthy food that I had to find.  I had to fight some major misconceptions and beliefs that I held about food.   

Here’s just a few:

• “Fat is bad!” Truth: There are good fats and I was probably starving my brain by avoiding all of them.  I began adding them to my life.  Avocado, coconut oil, olive oil, nuts, fat from pastured beef, chicken and pork.
• “You need to drink milk for the Calcium!” Truth: You get a ton of calcium from vegetables.  Most people just don’t eat enough of them.  But you certainly don’t need to drink milk if you are going to be eating your leafy greens.
• “You should replace most of your food with “healthier” versions like low-fat mayonaisse and sugar and calorie-free cookies and “lean cuisines.”  Truth: The real thing is going to kill you a lot slower than the low-calorie versions.  What the hell is even in a sugar-free, low-calorie cookie?  I am astounded now when I read labels.  If you do nothing else, start reading labels.  And if you’re going to eat a cookie, eat a real cookie.  With flour and sugar and salt and stuff not laboratory created.  That low-fat cracker is poison.
• “A calorie is a calorie.”  Doesn’t matter if it comes from a banana or from the sole of your shoe, they are the same thing.  How do we even allow ourselves to believe this?  Do we really believe that our body digests and uses a brownie exactly the same as it uses broccoli?  I mean, we are not stupid.  If you give a child a helicopter puzzle and tell them to create a giraffe out of it, they will look at you (rightly) like you are crazy.  Why then are we asking our bodies to do the very same thing?  Take that sugar and flour and make lean muscle mass and create blood and fat and all of the vitamins and minerals that your eyes and ears and brain need.  Try to make it out of that lean cuisine.  Try to make it out of that diet soda.  

These are just a few.  I’m sure you can find a better list somewhere else, these were the big ones for me.  

And so, I gradually became a quitter.  For 30 days I got rid of soy, alcohol, dairy, grains, sugar, processed foods and felt awesome.  After the challenge I inevitably added most of that back, because factory processed foods is so delicious.  I wasn’t ready to say no when offered donuts.  I went through several phases of guilt-ridden “binges” where I ate tons of crappy food and felt bad about it, then went back to “healthy” eating.  I didn’t realize quite yet that I was dealing with addictions, not motivation problems.  I didn’t realize that every time I quit alcohol or bread it was practice for the next time.  I made many, many mistakes.  Then in December 2013, this last year I was drinking a lot.  Maybe not very much compared to other people, but for me, it was a lot.  My husband had quit drinking years ago when his mother got a liver transplant and he never went back.  So I was drinking by myself.  And not just a glass of wine to relieve the stress or offer my heart some healthy resveratrol, but a couple of glasses.  Or a couple of tequila or gin drinks.  By myself.  And then, there I would be at 8pm.  Drunk.  Watching tv or playing on the computer.  I didn’t want to live that way, I didn’t like it.  I was going to quit drinking for the New Year.  I asked myself if I was ready.  The surprising answer was “no.”  So I listened to myself.  I decided I would wait until it actually felt right.

On January 4th it did.  I stopped drinking.  It was strange.  I’ve quit drinking many times in the last couple of years.  It might not have the same effect on you, but I easily get hangovers, and when I’m drinking I eat tons of crap.  It makes me feel bloated and nauseous and tired.  I don’t sleep well.  In fact, after drinking I would fall asleep fast, but wake up at 3am in a feverish sweat.  With the air conditioner on I would be so freaking hot.  For all of these reasons I quit.

And this time, I was ready.  I can honestly say I don’t want to drink anymore.  That’s not to say that someday something will change that, I don’t know, my life has changed so many times.  This is right for me right now.  

This blog is about the things I’ve quit.  

• I’ve quit soy (that was easy, except for soy sauce.)
• I’ve quit drinking alcohol.
• I’ve quit running or doing any distance cardio (paddling, jogging, bike rides).  Your body might be able to.  Mine was screaming for me to stop.
• I’ve quit sugar substitutes.  Which, I figured out later, was the reason for my headaches.
• I’ve quit peanut butter.
• I’ve quit weighing myself.  I seriously have no idea what I weigh right now, and it is immensely freeing.
• I’ve quit judging myself by the size of my waist.  It might sound conceited, but I am a good-looking lady.  It’s stupid to spend my time shaming myself about some muffin top over my usual jeans when my stomach is in a bigger phase.  You know who cares about that?  No one.  Or stupid, judgmental people.  They are not my friends anyway.  Why was I trying to impress them in the first place?
• I’ve quit eating meat and eggs from unethical sources.  I’m doing my best with this one.  I’m sure there’s someone out there who thinks they know my body better than me and will tell me I can live without meat.  Sure.  If I want to feel sick all of the time.  I’ve tried it.  So I have pledged to get my meat from local farms, the farmer’s market or Whole Foods, which, at least out here, tells you where it’s sourced from.  I can’t pretend like I don’t know what’s going on at mass producing CAFO farms.  I can’t unsee the images.

On my list to quit for good:

• Bread.  (Including cookies, donuts, all flour) Turns out that this is way harder than quitting drinking.  If you tell someone that you’ve quit drinking, I think they assume you have some kind of alcoholism that has destroyed some part of your life, so they don’t bother you too much.  But if you turn down a donut or a cookie, it’s like you’ve slapped them right across the face.  The reactions that you get from people are astounding.  “Just one, it won’t hurt you, but it’s so good!”  I have literally had to lie to people at work and tell them that I am grain and dairy intolerant.  I have to tell them that I am allergic and that it will make me sick.  Even though I’ve just told them that it will make me sick or possibly kill me, they will continue to offer.  Or they will give me this sad look that says how sorry they are for me.  Quitting bread is HARD.
• Dairy.  It’s on my list, but not high priority right now.  My biggest problem is that it gives me acne on my chest.  It’s annoying, but so far not annoying enough that I have stopped.  Some day, maybe.
• Judging myself for eating bread and dairy.  Nobody is perfect.  I am still stuck in the cycle of shame that comes every time I “break down” and eat bread of some kind of fried food.  I’m working on it.

And to those people who say “everything in moderation,” screw that.  I don’t enjoy hangovers in moderation.  I don’t like headaches in moderation.  I don’t want to feel bloated and gassy or depressed or anxious in moderation.  I would still prefer to eat a cookie if I want a cookie, but that doesn’t mean my long-term goal isn’t to quit.  I know that I’m not ready yet.  Some day I hope to be. This blog isn’t about you.  However you want to eat or drink or exercise to be healthy!  Awesome! Doing something, anything is better than nothing.  I have just moved past wanting to be skinny.  I don’t want to be skinny and unhealthy.  I want to be curvy and clear-headed and happy.

Is there anything in life you would like to quit? Share your story here!

Social Food Offerings

This is a tricky one that I know we all struggle with.  You are doing amazing.  You've lost a few pounds, you've really stuck to eating healthy.  Then, maybe at work, or perhaps with friends there is a social gathering and food is involved.  There is no healthy option.  What do you do?

Today at both of my schools there was food offered.  In terms of local style Hawaiian offerings, it was all amazing looking and probably tasted fantastic.  However, most of it was grains or meat in a sugary sauce or breaded and deep fried.  I have nothing against other people eating these things.  They are pretty tasty.  I have decided that I don't want to eat these foods.  At one school, it was great.  After a few gatherings where I have explained to people what types of food I choose to eat, they get it.  They don't try to offer it to me anymore.  I feel respected that they don't think I'm weird or a jerk.  This is an amazing break through and has taken a lot of time.  At the other school where I haven't had the pleasure to be at as many food gatherings, I was offered a plate a bazillion times.  And I felt bad for not taking some.  Intellectually I know I shouldn't feel bad.  It was store bought food.  Everyone else who ate put in some money, and I didn't.  These people didn't cook the food.  And yet, I felt bad.  I felt a very strong urge to fill my plate with donuts and pasta and sugary stuff and to sit with it in front of me, just so people would feel like I was appreciative.  What is that about?  Why is it that I feel bad not eating the food that is there?  Why do we feel somehow slighted if we offer somebody food and they don't partake?  Why is it rude to refuse food, but not rude to try to guilt somebody into eating something we ALL KNOW is unhealthy for us.  Who among us does not know that sugar covered, deep fried pastries are not good for us?  Then why is it not rude to continue to try to talk somebody into eating it when they have politely declined it?  But it's sooo delicious!  How can you deny yourself!  I finally lied to everyone.  I already ate, and man, I am super full.  Yup, didn't realize there was going to be food here, so I ate a whole bunch of my own lunch that I packed myself.  Even then, knowing that I was super full and declined the food, there were still attempts to persuade me.  And I've been eating this way for so long that I actually didn't want the donut!  What if I was trying really hard and had just cut out sugar from my diet?  Holy sabotage, Bat Man!

I've found that the best way to combat this is to be prepared.  To always have food of some kind that you have packed for yourself.  If you can, bring it to the place where all other food is being eaten.  People are very uncomfortable when your hands are empty.  Oh, you poor thing, you'll starve to death while we enjoy these donuts!  But, if you have your own lunch or some kind of food in your hand, you are somehow given reprieve.  This relieves some of the pressure.  But you have to also be ready to just say no, and allow other people to deal with it how they want.  It is not your responsibility to explain your food choices to others.  What you eat, is actually, your business.  You are allowed to just say, no thankyou, and offer no further explanation.  I am getting better at this in life in general, although, obviously today I was guilted into lying instead.  But you are not mandated to explain yourself to anyone.  I hope that next time you are in a similar situation, and you will be, you will be able to politely decline and stick to it with no other explanation.  Sometimes it's nice when they want to hear about how you got to be as hot and svelte as you are.  Sometimes you just want to not eat a goddamn donut.  And that is okay.

Not healthy.  Just so you know.  Have one if you want.  Tell others to fuck off if you don't.

Busy!

Used these for my pull-ups

So I have been incredibly busy for a while and then last week I kind of shut down a bit.  Work has not given me much breathing room, so I've been going non-stop during the day.  It's been a lot of fun having Anna around, because I've been super active on the days that I'm not working and even sometimes on the days that I am.  Crossfit has been awesome.  I really like the coaches so far, each one has their own style and has different kinds of workouts.  They aren't kidding when they say "Our Warmup is Your Workout."  The warm-up for yesterday's workout was finding the max weight you could lift with a back squat.  I started off way too low, not knowing what I was capable of and ended up doing a ton of reps before I found what was really difficult.  Then we did pushups, pullups and squats to make sure we had the proper form before we even started our workout.  Which was a 25-20-15-10-5 for form instead of time.  So you do 25 pullups with whatever modification you need, in proper form.  If it's not good form it doesn't count.  Then 25 pushups, then 25 squats.  Then 20 pullups, pushups and squats.  Then 15 pullups, pushups and squats and so on and so forth.  I liked this workout, since it was a change from the usual beat the clock.  I wasn't racing anyone or competing with anyone.  I took as much time as I needed in between reps to make sure my next pullup was going to be a good one.  And if I performed badly I took a couple of seconds to recoup and redo.  It took around 20 minutes.  I like that you learn alot about what you are capable of and what you need to work on.  I find myself getting stronger very quickly.  As Keysa, Anna and I agreed yesterday, it also doesn't hurt to have such eye candy available during your workouts.  Co-ed workouts are great, just sayin'.
As for the paleo challenge, yesterday was technically my last day.  Over the weekend though, I had kind of a depression breakdown, I didn't want to do anything and I just had this strong craving for something and I couldn't figure out what it was.  On Sunday Nathan wanted Zippy's and I got dinner there.  Of course, it was not paleo in the least.  There is no paleo at Zippy's.  It was an interesting experiment.  I had some french fries, and that did not satisfy the craving.  I had some of a bear claw and that did not satisfy the craving.  I am glad that I did the experiment as a "cheat" during my challenge.  It turns out that all of those snacks that I would seek out to satisfy that craving, didn't satisfy at all.  So I stopped eating them.  Back to better eating on Monday.  I did this challenge in my own way without guilt, so like I said in earlier posts, it was not a perfect "whole30."  I didn't follow all of the rules, I just closely based my eating habits on it.
So in review for this challenge:
I was not a stickler about cheese.  I didn't actively put cheese on my food, but several times we went out to dinner and invariably there would be cheese on the salad.  I would flick some off, but eat the rest.  Dairy has not been a huge issue for me, so I didn't go totally crazy about keeping it off my food.  I did not, however, drink milk or have yogurt or kefir.  I think I'm going to add back kefir at times now that I'm done with the challenge.
I kept bread out totally.  This is the main one that I want to keep doing.  With every other food in the world I seem to be able to regulate.  Bread is my kryptonite.  As for the rest of grains, I'll leave out rice for the most part, noodles totally.  Other grains like quinoa, granola, oatmeal- in moderation as a special treat.  Definitely not a daily addition.
Soy I'm done with.  I was never a fan of it in the first place, so there's no reason for me to reintroduce.  I will not be an asshole if someone offers me something to eat if it is soy based, but I'm definitely going to steer clear if I'm not making anyone uncomfortable.
Sugar- I'm going to do my best to stick to high percentage cacao as a replacement for sugary desserts.  Bananas, other fruit and coconut milk are great replacements as well.  There are going to be times that I will be offered sugary treats.  I am going to turn them down as a general rule.  There may be times like this weekend where I may need some chocolate.  Again, I'm going to do my best to use the better options and steer clear of things like snickers or peanut butter cups.
Alcohol.  This was hard for me during the challenge, which tells me something about my relationship with alcohol.  It's something for me to think about for sure.  A glass of wine with dinner or after is no big deal, but I need to get clear about what the strong cravings were about.  I need to get better at coping with boredom or loneliness/sadness with something other than food/drink.  I was surprised that there were times that I almost panicked.  I wrote about the day I gave in and had tequila with coconut water.  It was obvious once I had some that it was not the cure-all I had been looking for.  I never did figure out why I wanted some so badly.  Then last night I had wine- a few glasses with Anna and Keysa.  On the drive to take Keysa home I actually felt naseous.  Obviously had too much.  So I'm gonna keep an eye on this one.  I will continue to report because this is my freaking blog and I can do what I want.

Fattening Up and Gluten Loading

So Anna and I have decided that our official date to start our Whole 30 Paleo Challenge will be December 16th.  I will get paid on the 15th, so I can start to replenish the cabinets, fridge and freezer with good for me treats.  Also on this day we shall take before pics so you can be enthralled by our transformations.  To plan I am printing up some Paleo food posters for the fridge and only buying paleo (except for Kefir and Yogurt, I need my good bacteria and can't afford the supplements) from now until the end of the challenge.  In preparation I am eating as much glutenous, sugary, processed food and beer as I can fit down my throat and into my bloated belly.
The plan this time is not to finish the whole 30 with a sugar buffet, but this time to stick with it within reason.  I plan on being super strong and fit for the Warrior Dash in March, so that is my goal.  I am hoping too that Crossfit and Paleo will help me get my knee back in shape in time to run the Great Aloha Run.
Yesterday I had the best time ever, being a part of Keysa Hale's Marathon Pit Crew.  She has been training for months to prepare to run the Honolulu Marathon and only asked that we meet her at some point to hand her some coconut water and grapes.  Instead we created an elaborate plan to meet her at mile 17, hand her the goods, and then run with her relay style until the finish.  I took the first 3 miles.  We chatted about her weekend from mile 17 to 20.  It was awesome running in the marathon.  I got to experience all of the cheering and hullabaloo without actually putting in too much effort.  I did my best to stay out of everyone's way and to enhance Keysa's marathon experience.  At mile 20 I bowed out, called the crew driving nearby and hopped into the car at a bus stop.  We kept driving and when we spotted her and her friend again, Anna jumped out and joined her.  Then Joanna, Ananda and I found them at mile 24 and Ananda and Anna finished the last two miles with her before leaving the track near the finish.  Keysa finished on her own and we celebrated with pictures, oatmeal cookies, and the pool at her hotel.  It was so much fun.  It made Anna and Ananda want to train for a marathon.  It solidified my knowledge that I do not ever want to run 26.2 miles.  I still like shorter distances.

I'm Leaving On a Jet Plane!

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go

Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
- John Denver



So, I'm headed to the East Coast tonight! My plane leaves at 7:25 my time and arrives at 10am your time. I'm going to do my best to sleep on the plane so I'm not exhausted when I get there. I've got lots of plans and I'm going to do my best not to get sick, lose my voice, get really bad headaches or cramps. I'm not sure how my hair is going to deal with the cold, dry weather, but it should be interesting to say the least. I'm excited for pedicures, dresses, makeup and dancing. I've been listening to my Miss Saigon CD to prepare for the trip. It's being imported to my Ipod as we speak. I think I've got everything packed that I need, and still am only taking a carry-on bag. Pretty awesome. I'm a simple person. Plus if I really need to I'll buy a pair of jeans or something. We all know you can wear jeans every day for 2 weeks, no problem.

In the meantime I'm doing my best not to gain 20 pounds. The bread from that damn store smells soooo good. I hate delicious bread bakers. They make me fat. Damn their soft, yeasty dough and their blueberry and white chocolate chip pieces. And damn them for baking it just the way I like it, just slightly under cooked at the corners, so you get that little bite of chewy goodness at the end. Le sigh. Life is so hard. Honestly, I'm most worried about my stomach on the plane. My body is not used to this level of white flour and my stomach has been, well, ah hem. Not good. Need to find a snack that I can bring with me and try to avoid being triple bloated when I board.

Love all you East Coasters, hopefully I'll get a chance to see you in a few days!!

Two Days of Horrible Choices...

From Gokill.com

... And I liked it.  It tasted really good.  Halloween wasn't necessarily the problem.  It was the cookies that were on sale because they were orange Halloween cookies.  They hit my weak spot.  I ate almost a whole container of them.  That's a lot of calories.  Not that I'm counting calories these days, but dayum.  Then I spiraled and ate shit tons of the candy we bought just in case we had a trick or treater.  We didn't.  But we still have candy.  It's a good thing.  I wanted to eat it all.  I get this obsessive need to continue to eat.  I think it's the crack, er, I mean sugar in them.  There were chocolate chips and peanut butter... oh my god, I'm kind of drooling now.  Anyway, I spiraled int over eating and like a true addict I haven't written on my blog because I wanted to be alone with my guilt.  If I wrote about it, I'd have to stop and I didn't want to.  I wanted to stuff my gullet with sugar.  I had an amazing sugar hangover the next morning, which led to my addict thinking- maybe some bread and sugar, or maybe some wine will make me feel better.  Hmmm, I've never tried that before.  Lo and behold, no, more sugar and bread and wine did not make me feel better.  It truly makes me wonder what's in those god damn things.  I am a rational human being.  I make good decisions about my health.  I work out, I eat my vegetables, just like my mommy told me to.  So why is it that I turn into a crack fiend with just a sniff of peanut butter cookies?  Oh well, I'm human.  I'm fessing up to my weaknesses.  It's embarrassing, but true, my kryptonite is a dozen peanut butter cookies.
On another happier note, my Tae Kwon Do is moving smoothly and I will be testing for my orange belt tomorrow, woohoo!  They are letting me test early since I'll be on vacation on the regular testing date.  These guys really rock.  I did a pretest preparation yesterday, got some pointers and should pass with flying colors tomorrow.  I have a few things I have to memorize and I need to remember to do an elbow strike with all of my moves.  I've gotten lazy elbow.  I wish it didn't cost 105 bucks.  But that's martial arts.  It's the cost of the test, the belt and the videos for the next level.  The videos are a great investment.  Even if I don't continue with TKD, I'll always have the videos so I can review the moves.  And if I rejoin I can watch them to remember all my moves so I won't be totally embarrassed.  It was a great workout last night, my arms are still sore.  That's the kind of workout that I love.  I wish every TKD session was like that.  I would stay for sure.
I am going to go make dinner now, I think I can salvage the damage I did over the last couple of days.  I have lots of healthy food since we just got paid recently.  We have steak, broccoli, cauliflower, more beef, and lots of other stuff in the freezer.  I'll see if I can avoid the cookies.  Whatever is left is going to my school tomorrow, the office ladies can eat them.